With my eyes wide open
by LittleQueenie
Summary: Bearing the heavy burden of keeping the family secret, the children of the Kurta clan are strong, but also have difficulty trusting anyone outside of their family. Looking for such a connection without realizing it himself, Kurapika lets himself be swayed by the words and actions of a man he really shouldn't trust [KuroKura drabbles concerning PL][PL not a prerequisite read]
1. Meeting

_Word beforehand_

_You know, I create these huge worlds and elaborate character histories with about each story I spend more than 20k words on. Also for these stories, I always write drabbles and small stories for them. Because it's always been original stories, I never really posted any of that. But with this one I am.  
This is going to be a series of drabbles/small happenings, and a way for people reading Psycho Love to look deeper into the character relationship for Chrollo/Kurapika before the advent of PL (for anyone interested). Those already reading the story need no further explanation._

_For those who are not, this is an AU set following the rules of this world. In this AU, the Kurta help out those who can't pay their medical bills, but also have to hide a big secret: through generations of experimenting, they have been able to cultivate their eyes to be far superior to those of a normal human's. Along the experimentation, an unusual red color also emerged, which they have to hide constantly. Although generally all of this is kept secret, people that find out about this, hunt them down. In order to protect themselves, after their 12th year, the children are taught to track potential threats next to receiving medical training - though not nearly as demanding as the Zoldyck upbringing._  
_Assassins are a very real thing in this world too, though, and it's become hard for a lot of the children to trust anyone outside of the family. Kurapika not being an exception._

_That's the most important thing you need to know. This is not necessarily written to be a completely coherent story, even though of course I work up 'till the point where it meets Psycho Love. It's mostly cute situations, and serious conversations.  
_

_____(also a Chrollo with ulterior motives)_(this is basically my fluffy side though)(it's reeeeeaaaaally their relationship-centric)  


_Hope you will enjoy. *bows politely*_

* * *

'Hey there.' I looked around a little surprised. Not because someone talked to me, but that the voice speaking wasn't a voice I knew. Since I was just doing some shopping after school for the family, I didn't exactly expect someone to address me. I looked around at the man after having loaded up the car.

'Can I help you?' Upbringing dictated that I be polite, even though I didn't really know what his agenda was. I'm not really free to have elaborate conversations with strangers, even though I'm 16 by now and they should trust me a little that I won't randomly spill the family secrets.

'Well, I was wondering if you needed it, but apparently you're doing alright.'

'I'm used to carrying this much, don't worry about it.' I smiled back at him. When he didn't respond immediately, I excused myself. 'I'll be off then.' The moment I turned around he decided to speak up though. I sighed a little.

'Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come over this impolite. I'm actually a new teacher at your school. I saw you in the hallway this afternoon and wanted to lend a hand.'

'What kind of subject do you teach? Maybe I'll see you in class.' My own courteousness was killing me. I leaned both my arms on the roof of the car and looked back at him. 'You're probably the youngest teacher at school now, aren't you?' We weren't exactly known for our revolutionary new systems or ways of thinking, and this mainly had to do with the average age of 50 of the staff.

'Hahaha, that's not really a question, is it. But since you asked so politely, I teach physics, and I'm 24. The name's Chrollo, Chrollo Lucilfer, pleasure to meet you.' I turned away from the car when he took a step closer and extended his hand to shake mine,

'Kurapika Kurta, 16, male, not legal yet.' He started laughing again when I mentioned that.

'You've had your share of uncomfortable situations, haven't you?' He let go of my hand. Next to being half the age of most teachers, he was also more polite and accommodating than the rest of them. I wonder why they hired someone like him.

'I know how I look, I always give warning.'

'Don't worry, I'm not coming on to you. I just wanted to meet your acquaintance. I'll not be seeing you in class though, your name wasn't on the list of students.'

'Well, then this is probably our last conversation.'

'How come?' For someone not coming on to me, he was acting really interested. If he had a history of sexual assault, he would never have been hired though. So there was a very slim chance that he was actually interested in just talking with me.

'Because you're a good-looking, 24 year old physics teacher, in a school full with fossils who call themselves teachers, and hormonal adolescents. I think you're going to need bodyguards.' He started laughing again when I mentioned that, and it elicited a huff from me as well. He didn't seem like a bad person, but that never said much, did it. I've learned otherwise.

'Thank you for the compliment, you're probably right. You didn't seem all that occupied with any of that when I saw you at school though. You come across more as someone who's bearing responsibility.' He leaned lightly against the car, and I decided to cut it off at that point.

'Is this going to be a long conversation? 'Cos my family's waiting for me to get home.' I looked back up in his eyes when he pushed away from the car again. _You're strange. You're an anomaly in this neighborhood. _Irritatingly enough, that made him interesting.

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hold you.' He raised his hands in apology, and I took a breath before apologizing myself,

'No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come over as rude. But I really have to go now. Good luck tomorrow.'

'Thank you. And I hope this wasn't our last conversation.' He nodded politely and smiled. He's being genuine, isn't he? Something about me was interesting to him. It made me wary about him knowing our secret, but I didn't sense the usual malice or danger that came with that interest. You're very strange. I need to keep an eye open to you.

'Same here. I'll see you later.' I gave him a short wave before stepping back into the car, and got a wave back before driving off. Someone like you doesn't belong in this place, you'll be eaten alive by the staff. And if they don't, then it'll be by the students. If the dean really thinks you can handle all of that, then you have the power of persuasion. I need to watch out for someone like that.

Not counting any of that though, he had a pleasant air about him. At the very least, perhaps it's a possibility to have intelligent discussions with him. I would like to have that one of these days, outside of my family.


	2. Not a lie

Somewhere I'd thought that him teaching at the school had been a pretty lie, but it turns out that it wasn't. When walking back to the library a couple days later, I turned to look inside one of the classrooms that was louder than it should be. With only one glance, I saw him standing there, being swarmed by students, even though class had long since ended. I laughed silently to myself when I saw that my predictions had been correct. Teenage hormones seem to be a little too much to handle for him after all. Although, he doesn't seem to be bothered by it, so maybe giving this attention is actually dealing with it.

When done with everyone, he stood up and straightened his back again, sighing in relief that that was over. Seeing that, made me laugh again, and I caught his eye this time. He turned his head my way and smiled back at me. _If you're not coming on to me, then this is just you being nice? _Well, if he'd been desperate for it, he would've looked for me, wouldn't he. Instead of that, I'm coming to him.

I waited until class was empty – hearing everything those girls (and two guys) were gossiping about him - and he walked to the door opening to talk to me this time,

'Well, it seems your predictions were correct on one thing, but at the least we're having our second conversation today.'

'You should hear what they say about you, it's really shameless.' I responded, and he leaned his shoulder against the doorframe, pocketing his hands.

'Oh, I know what they're saying about me, it's not been long since I was the same, you know. Plus they may think they're whispering, but they're really not.' He laughed a little at that himself. Yeah, no, subtlety is not something for most teenagers. 'Do you have class to go to, or do you have the time to talk a little this time?' I was put on alert in an instant,

'What do you want to talk about? You don't know any of my family, I'm not in your class, you're not a counselor, so what reason next to risking your career do you have in talking to me?' The look in his eyes didn't change when he answered.

'You just seem like an interesting individual. Plus, the topics most of the teachers here talk about, are not very interesting to me.' Alert went higher when he said the first part. _Do you know about us? _I can't casually ask that, can I.

'So you're just looking for someone to talk to? Because I'm not the most entertaining when it comes to that.' Plus, at home no-one really trusts me yet that I won't accidentally spill our secret; real contact with anyone out here only goes as far as needed.

'On the contrary, you look like you have a lot to say that most of your age wouldn't understand. So don't hesitate if you ever have the need to, but please don't see me as a teacher. Just look at me as someone who likes to talk with you.'

'Everything coming out of your mouth sounds like a pick-up line.' I raised my voice saying that, and he started laughing more open when I did.

'Sorry about that. It's probably the reason I get swarmed a lot, don't you think? But no, I'm just genuinely interested in contact. I have to prepare for another class, but I hope that next time we can actually talk about our interests instead of why we should or shouldn't.' I nodded at him before indeed excusing myself, and he lazily lifted his hand to wave goodbye. "Genuinely interested in contact"? I sighed when I repeated that in my mind, it still sounded like a pick-up line. But I know how easily genuine interest like that can change to something more, and honestly, I don't feel like dealing with it on top of all of my other responsibilities. When I bump into him, I bump into him, but I'm not going to search out contact with someone like him.


	3. Not rejected

_That's not how I'd intended to spend the night. _

For the first time in weeks we'd gotten another extortion threat, and I'd been set to track the one who had. My foremost job had been to find a counter-extortion. However, he spotted me before I could. The moment he noticed my presence – because there was no way he could've seen me from that distance – and turned my way, I did as I'd been instructed.

I'd killed him.

I've had to do this before, that wasn't something new. But it will never sit well with me. I didn't even have the freedom to let my body work the disgusting feeling out, because I wasn't supposed to leave even the smallest amount of evidence.

Walking back to the car, I still felt paralyzed and sick of having to have done that. _I'd had to remove the bullet from his body… why can't these people just leave us alone, I don't want to do any of this to them… _

With that nauseous feeling in the back of my throat, I'd just wanted to get in the car, go back home, and let all of these feelings out. I really didn't feel like bumping into someone I knew, and I really didn't have the energy anymore to stay courteous.

'Are you everywhere? Are you stalking me?' I said, looking up at Chrollo. It wasn't the first time I ran into him, and I felt like dealing with him the least of all. Frankly, the notion that he could possibly have been witness of what I do for the family, only added up to the stress in my body.

'Have I done something wrong? I'm just on my way back from a movie. It's not so strange for me to be here, is it. It's more strange for you at this hour.' I sighed with a light tremor in my breath when he brought that notion to light. Honestly, I can't deal with anything right now. I thoroughly hate what I have to do for my family, but the ramifications if I wouldn't are worse than I want to think about. So I just do what I'm told. I wish I'd get more medical training than stuff like this though. _At the very least, I am allowed to take care of it from a distance. _Not having to make use of specialized equipment because of our sight gives us great cover – but apparently not great enough. The thing killing me the most was actually that I'll never know if he'd actually noticed me or not…

'My apologies, I didn't mean to offend you, I'm just having a really bad night.' I took another deep breath and closed my eyes for a second. _I'll deal with this on my own, just let me pass. _

'Do you need help to calm down, then? Or should I drive you home?'

'You can keep out of my business.' I opened my eyes back up at him, my voice still lightly trembling, even though I tried to stop it from doing so. Chrollo wasn't scared off by the words though. Instead he just inclined his head and responded on a soft tone.

'I'm sorry if I have offended you. Seems like you have a lot on your plate right now, I'll be on my way.' _You're too damn understanding, it's killing me. _When he wanted to walk past me, I hung my head a little, and spoke up,

'Wait!' I turned my head when I heard his footsteps come to a halt. 'I'm sorry I'm being so rude. Actually, a drink would be nice.' He turned back around as well. _What am I saying? I'm going to become an alcoholic if I'm going to start drinking this sickening feeling away… _ On top of that, I can't actually vent with this guy, I should just walk away. _But there's something about the way you act towards me that's making it impossible to…_

'Won't your parents be worried if you're out this late on a weekday? Should they be called?'

'That's alright, I'm out late more often like this, it's nothing exceptional.' He gave me another smile before walking back to me. I should've taken the way out he offered. 'Let's just find a place that's not so crowded, people might get the wrong idea, and it'll cost you your job as well as my reputation.' I'm just trying to find time away from everything surrounding my family, aren't I?

'Sounds good.' He stopped right in front of me, and looked down at me a little, 'Wherever we go though, I'd hide that gun a little better.' My eyes shot wide open and blood retreated from my face when he said that. My whole body stopped for a second before my heart started increasing rhythm, and I was unable to do as he told. _No, you didn't see anything, please tell me you didn't actually see the act..!_

'Don't worry, I know your family takes care of a lot of people that can't afford their medical bills. I can imagine that that doesn't sit well with some people.' _Do you know more?! Is that really all you think it is? _The stress of these insecurities was intensifying the nauseous feeling a bit too much… He lifted his hand and took care of the gun when he saw I wasn't able to. 'I'm just sorry that someone your age is chosen to do something like this.' His hand lifted from hiding the gun, to the side of my face, and softly lay there a second. _What are you doing…? _'I guess I'm picking the place to go to, aren't I. Just follow me. I'm not going to hurt you or turn you in, I'm not a stranger to a life like this being pushed on you.' When I recovered from the larger part of the shock, he turned around and started walking to a more secluded area.

_You're not a stranger to this world? That only makes you more dangerous. _I stopped after a couple of minutes when my need for compassion and clarity got overpowered by logical fear. My breaths were shallow, and in the back of my mind I heard the eternal message engraved to me, "Take out anyone who's seen you do your job. If anyone gets curious or knows about our secret, we're not safe anymore." I can't handle two kills in one night, and Chrollo really doesn't deserve it… _I don't want to do this…_ It wasn't until I took a couple of steps back, that he stopped and turned halfway around.

'I'm sorry, I shouldn't have persisted in doing this after that moment, should I? You're probably conflicted about having to kill me to, aren't you? I can assure you that I won't tell anyone, but that doesn't mean anything at this point, does it?' He turned around completely and took the couple of steps that had remained in between us. By all means I should step back, but he's dealing with this so naturally that really don't know how to deal with it…'Your voice is paralyzed with fear and disgust, you're still shaking because of what you had to do before, on top of that I've only been kind to you, even though you have doubts if I'm not using you because of your family. Is that what your family has brought you up to believe? That if someone wants contact with you, it's because of your family? That's a hard life to live, isn't-'

'Stop it…' I brought out with a small voice. I didn't know if I could believe him, if I could trust that he'd keep the secret, I don't know the first thing about him, but he seemed to understand and accept this part of my life that I detested within an instant, and I couldn't take it… _I hate this part of my life, please hate it too…_ 'I-' _ I can't kill you if you keep talking like this. _I couldn't even look up at him.

'Do you still want to talk, or should I just walk away? If you want to, I can give you an excuse for not doing this.' _Please, please give that to me… _I had my eyes shut tightly, I couldn't take this moment on top of everything else. 'Even though no-one would be able to track this information down, I have been in this shady part of the world longer than you have. I've known about the measures your family has to take for longer than this, _that's _why I first approached you. Curiosity. After talking with you a little, this curiosity shifted to you, and how someone as sensitive as you keeps himself going. You look so strong and vulnerable at the same time; I haven't seen that in this intensity before. I never meant to confuse you this much. I have been selfish.' He paused a second,

'Also, and this is meant in a non-threatening way, I've had more experience in this world than you have, you wouldn't be able to kill me without laying down your own life.' Although the last words made me want to step back, the first ones had ushered me to raise my hands and clutched them in his shirt. I'm weak. I don't even know if any of what he's saying can be trusted, but I'm just accepting it because he doesn't reject this part of my life? _I'm _not _this desperate! _'You _must _have contact within your family, don't you? But away from them, it feels like you're on your own against the world, doesn't it? It's alright, I don't mind any of this.' He released himself from my grip, and moved us a little more to the side of the path, close to a wall. When we stopped again, he lay his arms around me and pulled me close, burying his face on top of my head a little. 'You should just go home right away. If that's where your comfort is, then you need to be there.' I lifted my own arms again, and loosely wrapped them around his waist. _I don't know you, I don't know the first thing about you, I'm still vulnerable because of my job, you're so damn accepting and understanding, I can't take it… I can't take it… it doesn't make sense that I'm doing any of this… Please just go away…_

* * *

_A/N_

_Getting acceptance can be a strong motivator - especially when you haven't really felt it before - but not always for the wisest of actions. _

_None of the Kurta's really want to accept having to do this, so this is new territory for Kurapika_

_(I'll roll back into bed now)_


	4. What you want, what you need

'How are you doing?' I turned around on the spot when Chrollo had found me again at school a week later. By any means, I wasn't intending on keeping this contact lasting. If that would happen, chances were fairly big that I would really start to feel comfortable around him – he's that kind of person - and our true secret would come out. _I can't have that, I don't want to kill anyone, please stay away from me. _'Do you have anyone to talk to about this? Do you take counseling for this?' He continued talking even when I'd already removed myself a couple of steps, but luckily, one of my own teachers intervened, taking the conversation off my hands.

'For what purpose would Kurapika need counseling, Mr. Lucilfer? He's our top student.' With a small gesture though, he commanded me to stay for this conversation. I turned around and looked Chrollo directly in the eyes. _If you so much as hint at what happened last week, I think I'll suddenly stop having problems to kill. _

'Nothing too serious, but the pressure of being top student can be high. I've heard he's not really socializing, so I thought some counseling would actually help.' He casually pocketed his hands and smiled back at me. _Wipe that fake smile off your face please. _

'We're short on counselors, so I rather keep them free for people who actually have a problem.' I responded myself, and my teacher followed up on it,

'That is basically the case here. I know you come from a bigger school, but here we do not have the resources for small problems like this that can be solved at home.' I felt my eyebrow twitch when he mentioned that home could take care of it, and Chrollo unfortunately noticed.

'Oh, don't get the wrong idea, when I was an intern at my previous school there was little room for counseling as well. We were very prestigious, but also greedy. There was no money at all for something as "trivial" as counseling.' _Did you actually work there, or is all of this just cover up? _'Because of that, I made sure students always knew they could talk to me. I'd hate to see someone with so much promise like Kurapika fail at something just because he didn't have someone to talk to.' You liar, you never counseled before in your life, have you?

'You have experience in this field?' _Goddamnit, no, don't fall for it, _

'That's okay, I don't really have a need for counseling either way. It's a lot of work, but I'm managing just fine. I have a very understanding family at home that provides me with the support I need.' My teacher looked back at me a second, 'Although it is kind of you to offer this advice, Mr. Lucilfer, I don't want to inconvenience you with something that doesn't really need the attention.' _Please give it a rest, adding you to my life, will only give me _more _stress. _

'Oh, but it's no problem at all. I'll not force it on you, of course, but you can make an appointment with me if you need it.'

'Hold up, we'd need to do paperwork for that first. But I do agree that it's not a bad idea if you see him once or twice, Kurapika. You seem more stressed than usual.' _Yeah, and the problem is standing right in front of us._ None of this hostility reached my teacher though, and Chrollo ignored it. _Goddamn all of you. _

'Exams are coming up, so of course I'm more stressed.'

'I know you're not one for asking help, but it can't hurt. Please make an appointment with Mr. Lucilfer first thing tomorrow.' I narrowed my eyes at Chrollo, but was trying to contain my rage at this point. Even though it was his victory, I didn't see a celebration of this anywhere in his body language.

So ultimately I just sighed and raised my voice to give my final response.

'I refuse.'

'Kurapika!'

'I don't like this man, and counseling with someone you don't like is counterproductive, isn't it? Like I said, I get enough support from home to deal with everything, I'm not-'

'If I had a penny for every time a student told me they didn't like a teacher or any member of the staff, I'd be filthy rich by now. You're going to see him tomorrow for an appointment.' _Goddamn all of this. _

'… …Fine. Can I go now?'

'You're excused, and don't show that attitude again.' I was excused, but my teacher was the first one to leave. Gesturing for Chrollo to follow me, I decided to take him along to a more quiet place to speak my mind, and we ended up outside. Once we reached a clear parking lot, he spoke up first.

'I'm sorry, I never intended to force you into this, you clearly-' I reached up and smacked him across the face.

'You know _nothing_ about my situation! You think just because you witnessed something, that you understand?! How _dare_ you make this more stressing for me than it already is?!' In the height of emotion, I smacked his head back the other way. _I couldn't believe this fucking guy! _

'I'm sorry. I thought it would help you. I will have a word with your teacher to annul this, alright?' He looked back at me like none of the previous minutes had happened. 'But seeing you like that last week, I think you're fooling yourself if you say you're doing just fine.' My eyes widened even further when I heard the nerve of that guy saying something like that. So I was ready to slap him again, but this time he intercepted me by grabbing hold of my wrist, _goddamn you! _'No matter how well you believe you can deal with it, bearing a secret like that is heavy. The burden doesn't really show itself until confronted with a stressful situation though, and last week that happened. You broke down instantly.' He let go of my wrist, even though I still wanted to smack him. 'You think I don't understand your situation? I was brought up to be an Assassin, I've had my share of stress.' I took a step back when he mentioned his actual profession.

'You're afraid of me now? That's not strange, but don't you think that a specialist like me would have taken your life already if I was interested? No, interest doesn't even matter. I'm a professional, I don't kill unless I'm ordered to.' I took another step back. 'Still unsure? Information gathering by intimate contact isn't how Assassins work, you know this. The fact that we've already been seen together would put me on the list of suspects if I wanted to do anything to either you or your family. I have no interest in taking you out.' His reasoning made sense, but my instinct still dictated I take another step back. His lips curled up when he saw this, and he hung his head a moment.

'I guess it can't be helped. I don't know a lot of people who'd react positively to learning of my profession. If there's still any doubt about the teaching, that profession is not a lie. I'm not specifically here to track down a target, I just needed to leave the last city I lived.' He looked back up when he noticed I'd stopped taking steps back. 'But this is all rudimentary information. Ask me anything you want to know to be able to trust me, because I'd hate to see an open heart like yours go to waste.' He held his hand out a second, but dropped it again when I delayed my answer.

_I'm a fool for not walking away. _

'I can't even know if you really are an Assassin. There's nothing you can say that will make me feel comfortable around you.'

'Oh? Then it's actions you need? Just like last week?'

'Last week meant _nothing!_' I violently gestured with those words, but I was lying to myself. I'd nearly cried in his arms just for not rejecting me at that point. I can't say that that's nothing, even though I want to. 'I already know everything you just told me, it's nothing new, and it's just the way I'm going to live.'

'But what if you could still protect your family without being unhappy? What if there _was _another way to live that you just don't know about yet?' _What is he…_

'Then I-' _Then I won't take it… _I wanted to answer resolutely, but it didn't make sense and it was killing me. There is no other way, is there?_ But I'd like there to be… _I can't even know for certain this guy's an Assassin like he says he is. Neither is it certain that he'd be bothered by being a suspect in the murder of my family. _Who are you? _

'Hm? Is the only way you'll accept really through action?' I shuffled my foot back when he took a step in my direction. 'If anything, you should realize I'm not going to kill you here. It would be too obvious and messy, and I'd want to keep from drawing all that attention.' I looked straight in his eyes when he took another step, and continued the motion when he realized I wasn't walking away anymore. 'You can frisk me for weapons if that will make you feel better.' I scowled at him for asking, and answered through my teeth, snarling,

'I goddamn hate you.'

'That's a lie.' Realizing at that point that it actually was, I allowed him to lay his arms around my shoulders, and softly pressed my head next to his. What I actually hate, is that I'm so goddamn twisted at this point by what I have to do, that I realize I don't trust anyone anymore outside the family. _And that hurts like hell. _I felt my chest tighten and muscles stress when that realization passed through me.

My arms lifted themselves when I heard the calm rhythm of his heartbeat next to my own increased one. _I don't trust you, I can't trust a word you say. But I want to. I want to be able to trust someone. _The mere thought passing through made my throat clench up. I can't handle any of these deep-rooted emotions being surfaced, there's a reason I push them away to be able to do what I do. _But I can't actually stop it if you keep doing and saying stuff like this. Because it actually feels good to let go. _

* * *

_A/N_

_All of the time I'm asking myself, would I be able to resist if someone like that would come into my life? And it scares me to think that I would probably give in so hard, without even knowing anything about them. _


	5. A little bit of trust

'So, how does this usually go.' After awkwardly having made an appointment the next day after all, I sat down in front of him in his office after classes were over by the end of the week. I'd calmed down a little in the meantime, but still wasn't completely sure about taking this risk.

'That depends. Do you want a clinical conversation, or do you want it to be more relaxed? Because I would love to hear more about your own psychological analyses, but I don't think there's a whole lot to learn from that anymore, is there. Unless you feel the need to say it out loud, of course.' He casually leant an elbow on his desk, and lay his head on his hand. This whole situation was beyond strange.

'I know how clinical goes, but what do you mean by more relaxed?'

'We'd go to a place you like, and hold a casual conversation there, letting it take its own course.' _Are you still coming on to me?_ I raised an eyebrow in disbelief when I heard the proposition,

'You did this at your last school? I never heard of a method like that.'

'If it's results you're looking for to confirm the success of this method, I'd be more than happy to refer you to my previous school.' I raised my hand in denial, I didn't need that. Any record he has there might as well be falsified, so I didn't even bother.

'Do you have permission to leave school grounds with me then? Won't that get you into trouble?' He smiled when I asked the question, and got a little bashful under it. I should not be focusing on if it's unfavorable for him or not, I should be focusing on me.

'Don't worry about me, I've been granted permission for this. But if you're worried about gossip, then we can just stay here.'

'I don't care about gossip. I care about it about as much as I do about the people spreading it.' A soft chuckle exited his throat before he stood up, and I followed his example.

'Since we're going out, I can give you about one hour of counseling. Anything beyond that is off the record completely.' While walking out the office and waiting for him to close it, for a split second I wondered how much of our conversation would actually be documented. Although I almost knew for certain that nothing incriminating would be written down, I asked anyway,

'I take it that anything specific about my family will be off-record as well.'

'I wouldn't think about it to put that on the record of the incompetent people here at school. Now, where would you like to go?'

* * *

In the end, I'd picked a quiet cafe far away from where others from school would come. Not that I minded gossip about the man in front of me, but I wanted to be at a place where no-one would accidentally overhear something they shouldn't. I still can't believe I'm about to confide in someone about all of this. _I'm out of my mind. _Subconsciously, I shook my head at it,

'Still uncomfortable? Want to go somewhere else? You've been glaring at me for a while now.'

'… Why do you care so much? It's not because you've never had someone to talk to yourself, you look more than capable to do that without being caught. If you're from the authorities for either child protective services, or the police, we've struck up deals with both and you're wasting your time.' He waited to answer until we got our drinks,

'It's that hard to believe that I care, is it?'

'All you do is keep up appearances. You come across as caring, but that face of yours is too clean to not be hiding something.' I pointed at the thing before lowering my hand again.

'You're pointing at the fact that I'm hiding emotions then, because hiding information is understandable in my line of work.'

'Of course I'm talking about that.'

'Then yes I am.' I was slightly taken aback when I got a straight answer out of him for that, and apparently the surprise could be read on my face. He started laughing before responding, 'I'm sorry. But it's not so much a choice as it's become a state of being for me. I've been forced to live this way for so long, I don't know how to do any differently by now.' Surprise made way for sympathy when he uttered that. _Would I become like that too? _'It's one of the reasons I'm doing this, by the way. I am a specialist in my field, but you're not. You don't have to become the same. I think your family's medical knowledge is amazing, and I hope that you will be allowed in due time, to mainly contribute to that.' There's still so many levels on which he could be lying, but it was slowly stopping to matter. Because whatever his reason, I _do _feel glad that I can talk to someone, and his words comfort me. There was this small amount of fear in the back of my mind that all of this was still to take advantage of me, that maybe he was just looking for someone, and waited until I'd slip. _I'll keep all specific information to myself then. _

'I am… I'm already being trained for that, what you caught me doing is the side job.'

'Ah, that's good to hear. I was hoping that was the case.'

'… …' It left me quiet though. This was all amazingly surreal. In a matter of little over two weeks, I didn't know what to believe anymore. 'There's really no way anymore for you to display your emotions?' _I was asking about him? _

'Careful choice of words, because I do indeed still have them. But to answer your question: I honestly don't know. Seeing as how much it comes in handy in my profession, I've never strived for it.' I shrugged, _makes sense. _'Was that curiosity or interest, by the way?' While taking a sip from his drink, he looked at me with playfulness, and it caught me off guard. After putting his drink back down, he started laughing again. 'I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, but you blush so easily.'

'Excuse me?' I responded insulted, unable to actually make my face cool down. 'What is that even supposed to mean?!'

'What it means, is that even though you grew up the way you did, you're still human, and I like that. I think we met at the right time in our lives.' When I felt my face heat up even more and I couldn't form a proper response, I gave up. I took a deep breath and let my head find its way to the table. I couldn't believe myself, I am _not _reacting to these kinds of pretty words, '"I'm not like those dimwitted hormones at school" "I actually have real responsibilities" "I'm glad I don't fuss over trifle things such as that" "Do their brains even exist?" Am I on the right track? Is that what you've been telling yourself?' I could hear his amusement,

'Please stop.' I muffled against the table surface. He was dead on, and I was hating myself for it. 'When you say it out loud like that, I sound really immature.' I lifted my face again after that, but I couldn't hate him when he looked straight at me. _We were not even talking about my family,_

'Well, in the respects of being an adolescent, you are, aren't you? Although you have a lot more experience in the burdens of adult life, you don't really know how to relax, do you?' I shook my head,

'The most relaxation I get, is when I get my medical training. Because I actually love doing that.' I'm glad he didn't steer that question a-

'You've never fallen in love, have you?' -nother way. _Goddamn it. _

'Is there a point to this question?!' I got a little irritated by this. _Can we _not _embarrass me for a second? _'Of course I haven't, I can't even trust anyone!' I closed my eyes a second to curse myself when the thought crossed my mind of "Well now you seem to can." _This is changing too quickly, I can't keep up,_

'You should try it in due time, I hear it can do wonders. To be able to trust anyone that much, it must be wonderful.' _I can't… I really can't with this guy. _I always feel like he's either joking or pulling my leg, but then I look at him, and all I see is some strange kind of sincerity being sent back. I don't know if I'm projecting it though, because he shouldn't be able to display emotions.

'Yeah I've seen what it does, thank you. I come from a loving family.'

'You're lucky to have that.'I relaxed a bit more when the feeling of back home washed over me. I bear a lot of burdens to keep us all alive, but I get so much love from them whether I do or don't do something. It's how I've been able to do all of this. 'See, still unhappy that you decided to talk with me?' I sighed at his question and gave him a bored look. 'You can pout at me all you want, but from the moment I first saw you at school, you haven't looked this content. Don't blame yourself for allowing that to happen, just enjoy it.' I raked some strands of hair back behind my ear when a gush of wind blew it in my face, and looked down at my drink for a while, just letting things sink in. He's not forcing me to talk about anything, even though he must be curious. I appreciate that. He's just letting me ask the questions, and he answers them no matter what. It feels better than I'd expected.

I looked back up at him when he let his attention wander elsewhere in this silence. Chrollo's probably not even your real name though. _What kind of person would you have become if you hadn't been born an Assassin? _

'I would've either gone into Psychology, or chosen teaching as a full-time job.' _Goddamnit I said that out loud? _'No matter my upbringing, I have a knack for the human mind. If I wouldn't have gotten this job, I'd probably be helping a lot more than just you right now. Although it does go both ways a little doesn't it. I mean, I don't object being able to talk about my life like this either.' At first I was shocked that I'd actually asked the question, but while he was answering, I forgot that I was. So when he looked back at me in the silence, I smiled back at him.

I'm probably being a huge idiot for believing any of this, but I decided to stop caring the moment I realized that it didn't matter if it was the truth; I really haven't felt relaxation like this in too long. _I've missed this kind of freedom. _

I excused myself when my phone started vibrating, and took the call, turning away from Chrollo. I already started to dread the call, because I'd told my parents I'd be late today before I went to school. There was really only one reason left for them to call, and I very much enjoyed my time _not _doing that.

'Kurapika.' I answered, keeping better notice of my surroundings,

_'Honey, I know you're on extracurricular activities right now, but you have to come home early. We have a new patient that needs to be taken care of.' _I closed my eyes and took a deep breath when I heard the dreaded words. _New patient means I need to keep an eye on them to kill them if they betray us, I'll be stalking for the coming weeks. _

'I can be home in an hour. How long do you think treatment is going to take this time?'

_'Shouldn't take longer than two hours. See you soon, love you.' _

'Love you too.' I opened my eyes again when the call ended. I looked at the apparatus in my hand while letting this sink in. This last week, most prominently in the relaxation of this conversation with Chrollo, I'd gotten the small hope that I wouldn't have to deal with this stress again. _Well wasn't that a short-lived dream. _

'I never said you'd never have do it again, did I?' His words took me out of my trance, and put attention back on him,

'Did I say that out loud again?' He shook his head, and I gave him a tired smile. 'I'm that obvious, aren't I.'

'Don't worry about any of this. The situation's still different, isn't it? It's not going to be like before again, I'll still be here to talk to.'

'Thank you.' And I really was grateful, 'I have about enough time to finish this drink, after that I'll have to get going.'

'That's alright. We'll just make a new appointment. If you want, I can even teach you some things concerning stalking and taking care of a target.'

'You could tell me, but I'm not going to confirm anything concerning my knowledge.'

'You don't need to.' _That was really nice to hear. _'I was about to say that I could even take care of it for you, but that's not going to be allowed, is it?' He laughed a little, he knew the answer to that himself already. I still shook my head,

'Thank you for the offer though.'

'Don't mention it. Need a ride back to your place?'

'Are you for real?' I raised my volume a little when he offered even more. 'We hardly know each other, why would you do all of this for me? And don't say that it's just because you care.'

'Well, we hardly know each other, but we do know something about each other that we don't share with anyone else, don't we. I guess I got a little carried away myself.' _I really can't get mad at him, his good intentions are killing me. _I took a breath to calm down before answering,

'That's true. I'm sorry I said it like that, but I'll be fine on my own. Let's just make an appointment for another day. It can take a while though. I'll be busy for another two weeks.'

'Then let's just make the agreement you come to me when you need it. Because I have this feeling you'll need the help during this job.' I probably will.

'… …Can I stop thanking you by now, I'm starting to feel like a broken record.'

'Don't worry about thanking me verbally, your expression shows all the gratitude already.'

'… I'm _still_ not sure you're not coming on to me.' I squinted back at him, but he waved it off, laughing softly. A couple minutes later we parted ways, but not before he'd given me a short hug in goodbye. After that he turned around and lazily lifted his hand in goodbye. _No matter what happens from here on out, I'm glad I at least got to feel this level of comfort with anyone. _

* * *

_A/N_

_I'm afraid I'm actually gonna like Chrollo myself during the course of these drabbles xD  
*slaps herself in the face*  
*slaps it again*  
*shakes head a little*  
*stops herself from falling from chair*  
*sits back up*_

ANYWAY  
I guess that the more I'll like him, the better I'm writing it?  


_Aaaahhh~ I really want to say stuff, but for ppl who don't read PL, I really really want to keep it a surprise what the level of betrayal's gonna be. _

_Sssshhhhh_

_Chrollo's just gonna be the perfect boyfriend for now.  
I need a perfect boyfriend right now, so that's what he's gonna be. _


	6. The start

'Are you still awake?' I shocked awake when I felt the hand on my back. I stood up in a panic and slammed my hands on the table,

'What time is it?!' _I need to stalk my target, I need to get out of here, I-!_

'Calm down. You got a free day, remember?' I rubbed my eyes a little before turning around to see Chrollo standing there. He lay a hand on my shoulder to make me sit down again. _That's right, I've been following my target around for ten days now. _She moved around a lot, it'd actually been too tiring for me to handle this time. I didn't even ask for time off; as my official counselor, Chrollo had called my home to ask what was the matter, because teachers had noted that I'd started falling asleep in class, and they were worried. That same evening my parents told me to take the next day off, that someone else was going to take care of my target today.

But instead of going home early, I'd opted to stay in school and study some more in the library.

'It's six in the evening, they'll be closing up soon.' Apparently a little too long. I rubbed my face with both hands when I heard the time, and Chrollo sat down beside me, facing me. 'Why is it so hard this time? According to records you've never had this kind of relapse. Would you like to talk again?'

'It's nothing special, don't worry about it. She just moves around more than I'm used to.' I rubbed my face again before folding my hands in front of me on the still open books, and wondered if any ink had rubbed off on me,

'Or perhaps all this talk about making it easier has left you longing for this easier life, and it's too tiring to realize that a change like that is not going to happen instantaneously?' I turned my head to give him an exasperated reply,

'I really don't feel like talking about stuff like that right now.'

'You look like you could fall asleep again at any minute. Do you need more days off?'

'I can't do that to Pairo.'

'Then how can I help.' Now that it's been ten days, I felt less pressured by this need of his to lend a hand, so I absentmindedly started searching my brain for a way. We'd had talks now and again in the meantime, and it had relaxed me more and more around him. So maybe this was a good time to ask for tips to either stay awake, or decrease the amount of physical activity while stalking someone. By now I felt comfortable enough to do that without being scared of spilling any kind of family secret, and we were all alone at the moment, so that's-

My thought process halted within the second when he rubbed his thumb along my cheek. I closed my eye during, and gave him a questioning look after.

'You had some ink there. You were wondering that, right?'

'Yeah, yeah I was.' I rubbed over it again.

'I'm sorry, I disturbed your thought process.'

'No, that's alright.' I looked back at him, still close, and 'till the end of time I will keep claiming that it was a hallucination from my sleep deprived brain. But apparently it did happen. He inclined his head, and nearly closed his eyes, searching out my lips with his. Not really knowing what to do with the situation, I sat there, frozen, with my eyes wide open for the couple of seconds that that lasted.

'Should I be sorry for that too? Because you had this look in your eyes that you wouldn't mind.' I… I… I… _Holy fucking shit. _I placed a hand over my mouth and shoved the chair away from him some more. 'Did I cross the boundary? Because I know you're not worried about the effects on our professional relationship at the moment.' _All that fucking time claiming he wasn't coming on to me! _I glared at him when I remembered every time he'd said that.

'You fucking liar!' I refused to remove the hand from my mouth though. My face was about as red as it could become, and that hand was the only thing keeping it from sight.

'Your first kiss, was it? Is that why you're upset? Or did I misinterpret where this was going?'

'I don't even know where to start.' I muttered insulted through my hand.

'Were you still determining the course? I'm sorry if I've taken action too early. I thought you were ready. But I'm not a liar. I was never coming on to you. It was never my intention for it to go this way. But over the course of the last couple of weeks, I do believe this is what I wanted to do.'

'But you don't feel anything.' The scowl was making way for a more confused state of mind.

'I do. I've told you this. I don't show anything, but I do feel everything. One of these feelings having become this kind of affection.' I covered my face with both hands and started trembling a little. _This wasn't happening, this wasn't… I'm not like those dimwits at school, I'm not blushing! _I squeezed my eyes shut when thinking all of that, until I heard movement again. Chrollo had gotten up from his chair, and leant down to take my hands away from my face. 'I'm a little torn between leaving you to get through this process alone and to kiss you again.' I looked up in his eyes like a deer in headlight. So somewhere I was really, really pissed when he leant our hands in my lap and closed his lips in on mine again, and somewhere I couldn't help to stay completely frozen. Well, not completely frozen.

He stopped an inch away from me.

'You're trembling, do I need to stop for today?' I squeezed his hands tightly when he asked the question, and he took the sign as that he was allowed to continue. This time I closed my eyes after a couple of seconds. I just didn't know what to do with all of this… Slowly, the trembling started to move from my hands to my heart. _Is it going that way? Has it been going this way? I don't know what this way is supposed to feel like. _But now that the step is being taken, I don't seem to want it to stop.

I don't know what's happening, am I happy? Do I want this? I actually trust him so much that I want this to happen?

'Don't cry.' He parted lips when that single tear had made its way down. He let go of one of my hands to stroke it away. 'Should we go somewhere more appropriate, or do you want to stay here?'

'Just… let's just stay here for now.' I couldn't look back up in his eyes anymore. I was too confused about everything. _What's happening? _

His hand lingered on my cheek, and a second later I closed my eyes when I felt a kiss on my forehead. It was warm, it was so affectionate… It was so unlike what I felt for my family…

'Do I need to kiss you again to stop this trembling as well?' He softly stroke with his thumb over my cheek, and I shook my head. _This school even unofficially rejects anything non-Christian; if anywhere, I never expected this to happen with anyone here, especially with a teacher. _My heart was pounding its way out of my chest.

Chrollo let go of me after a couple moments of silence, and kneeled down in front of me, sitting up on his knees. He lay his hands in my lap palm up, waiting for me to grab hold of them myself, but this time I decided to take action myself. Without lingering on it too much, I let my hands find their way to the sides of his face and lowered my head to kiss him again – if only to confirm that it had actually felt good. My heart started beating even faster, when Chrollo accommodated in this and leaned up some more, casually laying his hands against the side of my legs. My body was demanding for it to go further than that. _I don't know what's happening, but apparently it's something good. _I was trying to stop myself, but it was Chrollo that broke it off. This wasn't the time or place for any of this.

'Should I inform that I'm going to lock up so we can stay a bit longer?' Saying it out loud like that though, made me panic a little, and I shook my head,

'I—it's alright. I need to go home before they start worrying about me.' I want to do everything that just crossed my mind, but I can't and won't right now…

'I'll drive you. You're not in a state to do that right now.'

'Thanks.' He stood up first, reaching out a hand to help me up as well.

'I told you, all the thanks I need is in your expression.' He lay his hand against the side of my face again, giving me another short, soft kiss.

'D-don't do that without warning, I'm not—' _Goddamn I hate myself for stammering right now, I'm always calm and composed. _I sighed deeply and hung my head. I heard that soft laugh of his leaving his mouth again when I did.

'Don't worry about any of this. Just get some rest for the remainder of the day. We'll talk about it in between classes tomorrow if you want to.'

'How am I supposed to get any rest after this?' He lifted my head by the chin when he heard those mutterings, and made me look straight at him.

'You rather I just stay with you for the rest of the day then? Will that calm you down more?' First thought was that it was another joke of his, and I think it started out that way, but he was actually ready to do this if I needed it.

'I don't think that would help a whole lot.' I cursed myself again when I heard the skip in my voice. I felt a ton of stupid questions going through me that I never wanted to have. _"Is he just toying with me" "Does he really like me in that way" "Did anyone see this" "Someone like him can't possibly be interested in someone like me" "It's impossible for this to happen, and it shouldn't" "I'm going to wake up in the morning, and this will all have been an illusion". _So yeah, maybe him actually staying over would help take that uneasiness away… but no matter how many times I thought about that, it was a suffocating thought for now. 'Just drop me off at my parents' house, that's good enough.'

'Understood.' I missed the physical contact as soon his hand slid away from my skin. I've never been this needy for it… but then again, I never knew what I was missing, did I.

* * *

_A/N_

_Aaaahw, Kurapika's reached this part of adolescence. Welcome. _

_*Kicks and beats Chrollo for taking advantage of Kurapika like that*  
*Kicks and beats Kurapika for falling for all of it*  
*I goddamn want someone in my life who acts like Chrollo does here*_


	7. I think I like you

'I'm not allowed to see you anymore, just so you know. I think I deserve a medal for what I've hauled myself through ever since you kissed me.' I let myself fall back in the chair when I entered Chrollo's office again. The stalking on my target had taken longer than expected, but the report back is, that she's not going to cause us any trouble. She didn't show signs that she noticed me, so she has no reason to think she's safe to do what she wants now that I'm off her tail. That damn woman went all over town though. I don't think I've slept a proper night since it all started. That's not exactly been doing wonders on my nerves, by the way.

'Did I cause you trouble? Did they find out something?'

'No, all they know is that since I started seeing a counselor, that I was more distracted. I haven't been avoiding you just because I was busy, I wasn't allowed near you again until this job was over.' I looked at him on the other side of the desk, and took a deep breath. Right now, he was both a sight for sore eyes, and making me really nervous. I walked by him in the hallways a lot, and it'd really been killing me to see him getting all that attention from others while I, as someone who actually had business to take care of with him, wasn't allowed near. _I feel hormonal and annoyed that it's been bothering me so much. _

'I'm sorry to say that I don't really regret making you distracted.' Maybe I was imagining it, but I thought I saw a gleam in his eye, and I laughed a little. _You're still interested then? _I slapped myself in the face in my mind for thinking something like that. I'm acting real calm about it right now, but my heart's been pounding out of my chest since that day two weeks ago. _You're making me believe I can trust someone, please don't shatter that now. _I guess it does boil down that, doesn't it. 'I can understand that you're hesitant, but please, just lock that door and we can talk freely.' He nodded at the door behind me. I raised an eyebrow when he asked me to do that just to talk, but I stood up to do as he asked either way. I have zero experience in this, I have no idea what's supposed to be sensible behavior. _Because I'll be damned if I'm gonna use my classmates as an example. _

But while I had my back turned, I already heard him standing up. And at the moment I silently turned the lock, I felt his arms slide around my waist. He folded his hands in front of me, pressing himself a little against me, and laying his head next to mine on my shoulder. All those palpitations in the last two weeks were nothing compared to the rhythm in which my heart was now suddenly pounding out of my chest.

'Right here in school again? Isn't that a little too much.' I wanted to protest, and in my mind I pushed him away for doing this here; but in reality I just let him. There's been too much nerves too little sleep over the weeks.

I turned red when he started whispering in that deep voice of his, right next to my ear, ignoring what I said.

'I'm glad you came back.' My throat was turning dry, and even more so when he kissed my neck. He let out a low chuckle when he noticed my inexperience in all of this, and I was hesitant in between letting him and slapping him in the face. 'I'm sorry, I know you're not used to any of this, so please just tell me when I need to stop.'

'No, this is okay.' I scowled at myself when I actually said that, and closed my eyes, not really believing my actions right now. Alright, I either keep protesting, or I allow it, which one of these do I actually want? _I can't really think with your lips attached to my neck, Chrollo. _

'Glad to hear that.' I raised my hand and let my fingers glide over his. _Fine. Maybe I don't mind so much right now. _'I don't mean to sound cliché, but I did miss contact with you since then.' I still cursed myself for smiling when I heard those words. He's attaching to me so easily, I don't know how he's able to with what he does for a living, and somewhere I want to know how he does it. Because I'm drawing up blanks as to what to do.

'It's only cliché because a lot of people like saying it.' _I'm killing myself saying and doing all of this. _'I guess my parents forbidding me to see you says enough about how I've been, don't you think?'

'I'd still like to hear you say it.' He smiled against my increasingly more sensitive becoming skin,

'I have no idea what you're talking about, I already said I've been distracted.'

'That just says that you've experienced something new or unexpected in your life.'

'Well it was both of them.'

'But did you like the experience?'

'You're being ridiculous.' I started wanting to get out of the situation, and scowled at the door in front of me while Chrollo made his way to the other side of my neck. _Goddamn you, man. _'Of course I liked the experience, why else would I voluntarily search you out again the first moment I'm allowed to.'

'Is it so difficult to say?'

'It is when I don't know what you're expecting me to say.' I shivered a little when his lips trailed a little higher to my ear.

'You do know.'

'I'm not so easily convinced to say it.' I still stubbornly held on to that shred of pride, but the warm pressure around my back, and his breath against my skin was not doing wonders for my thinking capacity.

'You won't regret it, I promise.' _Goddamnit…_

'…Fine. I've been thinking about kissing you again. Happy now?' _Goddamnit, I really hate being so flustered, but everything else feels so good, it's so confusing… _

My thought process stopped completely when his hands unfolded, and he turned me around by the waist, keeping a firm hold of it while he locked his lips with mine. A small sound escaped my throat in surprise, and my arms were still suspended in mid-air, but I melted as the seconds lasted, and I let my arms fall around his waist as well. _Yeah, I think I just need to admit that I actually like this feeling. _I inclined my head a bit more, and he started massaging my lips with his. I could feel excitement rising a little in the grip around my waist, but the same happened with me, and the anxious part of that excitement asked me to stop. So I pulled away a little. _It's happening so suddenly, is this really okay? I'm not allowed to date yet, am I?_

'I'm sorry, this…'

'It's alright, you decide the pace.' He allowed some room between us again. 'I do have the feeling you want to do this, but you need some more time to discern if I'll really give you the freedom, don't you?'

'I kind of do.' A little embarrassed that I did, because he hasn't done anything bad, but I really need the space to figure out what's happening inside of me, to gain that small amount of control.

'So how about now that you're allowed near me again, we go back to that first café we went to and have a drink after school? I think you need some more counseling.' _Oh please don't smile at me like that, it makes it really difficult for me to think things through…_

I was surprised out of a kiss for a moment, before he kept hovering less than an inch away,

'You were asking for that one.'

'Goddamnit you're shameless.' I started smiling myself though, and returned the favor. _What the hell, at least this part I now know I like. _Slowly, my hands started gripping his shirt tighter as the contact lasted. I don't even know any more if I'm anxious because I need to let it go, take it slow, that I should be more careful or take more risks. So when the kiss was trailed from my lips all the way back to my neck, a small gasp escaped me, and in reflex I pressed even closer to him. His hands started sliding along my back some more, and he lingered there for too long for me to able to take it. So after a couple moments, he took a break to whisper to me,

'If I said I was sorry for doing this to you, you know I'd be lying, right?'

'Yeah, we're going to stop right now.' _I've never been in situations like this, I don't know how to contain myself, and we are _not _going beyond this; most certainly not here. _He took a little more distance from my neck.

'Just take small, controlled breaths. You want to explore the emotional connection first, don't you? I can understand, knowing how you probably grew up.' I bit my lip when the first answer that came to mind was a no – basically my hormones speaking - and the second one, the one that left my lips, had about the opposite emotional weight – a question that had passed my mind in the last two weeks, and I didn't understand why I actually vocalized it,

'But you're an Assassin. Even if it's alright that you're going to be affiliated with someone because we as a family can take it,' His grip slowly softened, '…you're not homebound, and becoming emotionally attached to you is futile.' _Well there went the last filter I had on my speech, didn't it._

'You've given it a lot of thought, haven't you. You really do think highly of me.' _I don't completely understand why. _Instead of gripping me tight, he started simply embracing me, and I lay my head against his shoulder. _I've probably thought about it more than I should after just one kiss. _But it had been more to me than that, hadn't it. For the first time, I actually hadn't minded that someone would take the action. I'm an idiot, but I actually seem to want this, and you're not going anywhere now that I've allowed it. 'I don't know how the future's going to be. I will probably be gone for extended periods of time, but I'm my own employer, I can come back to you whenever I want.' _You're not real, this is not how Assassins are, _'I think your family actually accepting me would be the bigger problem though.'

'As long as you don't say you know about my job in the family, and you don't tell about your other job, that's alright.' I muttered, but accepting that other job is probably never going to happen.

'I was also talking about the fact that I'm 24, and legally speaking I'd be a pedophile.' He laughed a little when I almost choked, trying to get a response out of my throat. 'Never even crossed your mind, did it?' _Can't really say that it did. _But my family's very thorough in background checks, so this is probably _not _going to end well. 'Should I falsify some information for them to find? Or should we just keep the relationship at my place.' I buried my face a little further in his shirt with the mention of that kind of freedom.

'I won't be able to keep this a secret forever. One time or another, someone will demand I bring this crush of mine to the house for dinner.'

'So I better start working on that falsification fast, shouldn't I? Do you think they'll accept it if I'm 18 or 19?'

'That's good enough.' _I am _not_ having this conversation. _

'Then let's cut this contact short before I tempt you too much into doing something you don't want yet. I'll see you after classes are over, alright?' _Damn right I'd be tempted. _Goddamnit brain, you're supposed to keep me sensible.

'Alright.' My voice was shaking a little,

And that didn't decrease when I looked back up in his eyes from this close.

'Hope you can still focus on class a bit. I'll see you at five, and don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. I know how big of a deal this is for you. I wouldn't have taken action if I thought I wasn't actually interested.' He gave me a last, short kiss goodbye before letting go of me. It was hard breaking eye contact when getting my bag again,

'You know, it's hard to leave when you keep looking at me like that.' I said to that, and he casually pocketed his hands.

'Then you should stop being so open for me.' I raised my voice when I heard the playfulness in his voice,

'Do you really think you should be talking like that to a student, Mr. Lucilfer?'

'I think it's allowed with an advanced student such as you, Mr. Kurta.' Before opening the door, when passing him, I got a slap to my ass, and he laughed at the shock and insult on my face. I barely contained myself slapping him in the face for that one though. _I have my dignity. _

'That's definitely inappropriate behavior, I think I should report you.'

'You can report to me any time you like.' I opened the door and walked out before this taunting would indeed lead to something more than I could handle. _About everything just now had been too much to handle already though. _I took a very, _very _deep breath and decided to go the bathroom first to calm down. Because going into class like this wasn't gonna make the lesson more effective.

_Is this really happening? It's really happening, isn't it? I'm dating someone now, aren't I. _

I stopped walking in the middle of the hallway when that thought crossed my mind. A lot of insecurities had passed me in the last couple of weeks, and I can't say that they're all just magically gone, not by a long shot; but thanks to this little exchange today, it had actually started to feel like all of this happening was a good thing.

* * *

_A/N_

_Aahw, isn't this the cutest. Kurapika's first crush, and he's all like "I've decided to like you, you're not going anywhere" "And you're not tapping this ass until I give you permission to"  
I'm sorry, it just reminds me too much of me about someone a couple years ago, so to me it's hilarious xD  
_


	8. Boundaries

I take that back.

That good feeling lasted about for as long as the first "date" went. After that I made a couple of small, but for me unacceptable, blunders at home, and I'd had a hard time explaining as to the why. I think I barely managed to keep the secret. Because before I'm really sure where all of this is going, I'm not sharing it with anyone. Not that there's a lot of people I can share this with anyway, as Chrollo so subtly pointed out to me…

By the end of the week, and having had a laugh at my expense when I told him what happened at home, Chrollo had promised to restrain himself this time if it affected me so much. I'd taken that as well as I could, but standing where we were, I doubted that he'd been serious when he'd said that. And suddenly I understood why he'd opted we take_ his_ car to the destination.

'This is not exactly making things better, you know.' I said as I got out and slammed the car door closed. I leaned over the roof, watching him lock the vehicle.

'Well, if there's anything that's going to make you trust my respect for your boundaries, it's coming here, isn't it?' I inclined my head and sighed, giving him an insulted look. When all he did was smile back over the car, I turned my eyes back up at the incredibly normal, boring looking house. Well, I don't know a lot about dating, but being taken here on a second date is most certainly pushing it. Especially with how nervous I still was about all of this.

'You coming? You covered for this, didn't you?' He raised his hand, gesturing me to come along. I'd covered for it, yes. I'd asked Pairo to cover for me, told him I had a date I wasn't sure about yet, so if he wanted to keep it quiet. He hadn't even given me an interrogation, he'd just accepted and looked happy for me. Apparently for a long time now I've been incredibly tense about everything. I hadn't even noticed before.

'You barely contained yourself in your office at school, what makes you think I trust you'll be able to do so at your own house?' I narrowed my eyes at him when he laughed a little, turning back to me some more. The wind was getting cold though, so I needed to decide on either the car again or his house.

'After everything, you really think I'm going to assault you without permission?'

'Well, you took me here on a lie.'

'There's nothing that I can say to make you believe me anyway, so it's still simply your choice.' That struck me. There was indeed nothing he could say to assure me he wasn't going to do anything once we got in there. He is physically more fit, and it's his territory. Stepping in there means I trust he's not going to abuse that power.

'It's bad taste to test me like this.' When I said this, he walked back to the car and leaned down on the other side of the roof,

'Although understandable that you don't yet, I just want you to be able to trust me. It's better to get that out of the way immediately than letting the insecurity drag on, don't you think.' I looked back in his eyes. 'It's the minimum I ask of you. I don't ask you to just trust me all the way immediately, but at the very least trust that I'm not going to physically assault you. Ever.' I held my breath a couple seconds, looking back at him. _This is stupid. _If I'll be dating him, I need to at least be able to trust this much. His lips upturned some more when I let out my breath again. 'Thank you.'

'You are a dead man if you touch me anywhere I don't want you to.' I walked back around the car, and Chrollo gently lay a hand on the small of my back when walking up the short path to the door.

'Don't worry, I know when to stop, and I'm not all about the physical aspect.' His door opened without an excess of security measures, somewhere I was real surprised about the normality of all of this. 'And you didn't think I'd have a flashy house doing what I do, did you?' He let me walk in first, and even took my coat while I stepped into the small living room. 'Also more normal than you expected?' He kissed me above the ear when passing me. 'Just because I do what I do, doesn't mean I don't like some comfort when I come back from a job.' He made his way over to the kitchen. 'But if you're uncomfortable talking about my profession then I will stop there.'

'You're really sensitive to atmosphere, aren't you?'

'There's a reason I am.' I followed him into the kitchen to see what he was doing, and got offered the choice of a drink. When I raised my hand to decline, he just took two glasses and I stepped aside, watching him take the entire choice of drinks to the living room table. At first I thought he was just joking doing this, but I couldn't suppress a laugh when he kept going.

'What are you doing?'

'Well, when you get thirsty halfway through the evening, at least we won't have to interrupt the moment to get it.' He stopped a second to kiss me, 'We can just talk, we can watch a movie, if you haven't had dinner yet, we can order some food.' He continued on his one remaining trip before sitting down on the couch, and apparently waiting for me.

'Just that? Just… hanging out?' I took slow steps towards the couch myself, being kept an eye on by him.

'Well, since you seem to enjoy that the most, why not?' It doesn't really feel like a date if we do just that, would it. But fine, why not. He's holding back on my account, so it's okay.

'Alright, some background tv noise and talking is fine with me.' Apparently when I sat down next to him, I was too far away, and he scooted closer, laying an arm around my shoulders and pulling me a little against him. He laughed when he noticed I really didn't know how to act in these kinds of situations. Well, technically I know, 'Can you not?' I spoke up, but my face was already turning slightly red.

'I'm sorry, I'm not used to someone as innocent as you are.'

'Well excuse me.' When I pulled away a little, I got pulled back immediately, and the hand around my shoulders softly pushed me close enough for him to kiss me above the ear again. This was a level of intimacy I wasn't used to. We were here, just the two of us, everything around was completely silent, and I could notice every little sound and movement of his as well as mine. I couldn't completely deal with that yet.

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insult, it was actually meant as a compliment.' It didn't help when I heard him whisper those words while his hand glided back down. 'I didn't think I'd get the chance to meet someone like you.'

'You're full of the right words, aren't you.' I complained a little.

'Well, now I'm hurt. I'm being honest here, are you going to-'

'How _can _you be?' I finally asked. He loosened his grip and let me sit a bit more upright to turn and look at him. 'You grew up developing an expression that's incapable of showing true emotion, how can you trust _me _so quickly?' This is the man who casually told me he was an assassin,

'You underestimate the dangers I grew up with.' His expression changed a little, and it demanded I gave him my full attention. 'It's been do or die for me for twenty years. Next to learning how to quickly read people and their intentions, I've also learned to take quick action before it's too late. Tell me, if I wouldn't have kissed you two weeks ago, would you have ever taken the chance? Would you have ever known you actually wanted to do that?'

'… Probably not.'

'Then don't curse me for being able to do this. It wouldn't have helped us if both of us had been-' He stopped talking when I took a deep breath and leaned in for a kiss myself. The notion that I liked doing that started to linger longer every time it happened, and now had seemed like a good time when I felt the impulse and hadn't started thinking it through yet. He let me pull away myself, and I noticed I'd leant my hand on his leg. I casually retreated that, but of course Chrollo had noticed.

So when our heads were still close and our eyes narrowly open, he spoke up. I could feel his breath softly tickling me when he did,

'Well I don't think I mind being interrupted _that_ way.'

'I'm not making a habit of it.'

'Well, that's too bad.' A second later he grabbed me by the waist, and motioned me to sit over on his lap. I caught myself on his shoulders, and wanted to smack him for suddenly doing that and embarrassing me again, but the fact that I didn't completely mind held that back – marginally.

'Don't just suddenly do that!'

'Oh? So that kiss wasn't an invitation? Because I thought it was.' I let my hands slide down his arms a little, but I didn't really know what to do with them, so in the end they just slid back up where they came from.

'You knew it wasn't, I can see it in your eyes.' That small gleam was starting to become recognizable.

'You want me to release you again then?'

'If you do it again, you will suffer the consequences.' I had to look away from his eyes a second. When I did, his arms slid further around my waist, and pulled me a little closer, up to the point where I basically had to lay my arms around his shoulders completely. Coming _this _close was getting a bit too much. I looked down at him, but he really didn't do anything until I'd give permission. Considering everything up until now, it started to feel cruel to hold out on him. On top of that, it wasn't like I disliked it. My dignity was bothering me too much in all of this, wasn't it.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes when I leaned in again. I could feel him smile against my lips, and my heartbeat increasing when he softly massaged his lips against mine. The intimacy of this slow and lazy moment was starting to sink in, and unknowingly, my arms slid down from his shoulders to his hips. His hands glided along my upper legs and a little over my ass, taking in the feel of my body at their leisure.

When turning my head the other way, I felt Chrollo's tongue lick along my lips, and I carefully extended mine as well. When that tantalizing feeling reached me, I let out a deeper breath through my nose, and adjusted my position a little. I felt tension in the man beneath me increase.

That didn't stop me though, and I pressed closer against him, slowly getting carried away in the moment. I let my hands glide along his side a little, and lowered myself some more to decrease the strain on my neck, but a short gasp from Chrollo made me stop moving.

'I'm sorry, I'm going to have to ask you not to rub up against me too much if you want me to contain myself.' My eyes opened a little wider when him speaking up made realize what I was doing. 'No, please, I'm alright, just…' He sighed deeply and let his head fall back when I pulled away and sat further back on his legs. 'I am perfectly capable to hold myself in check, please don't freak out about it.' He changed opinion on his words when he looked back up at me after I'd raised a hand to cover my mouth. '…If I wouldn't have said anything, you would've continued, wouldn't you? _That's _the matter? You really have grown up sheltered haven't you.'

'We're not allowed to date 'till we're 18, what do you think.' I spoke through my hand. It's still more of a guideline than an actual rule though.

'Even if you aren't, there's still a lot of persons who still have the need and search it out anyway. You really are completely dedicated to your family, aren't you?'

'That's not a bad thing.'

'Of course it's not. But this isn't either. I'll keep eye on your boundaries for you then. Please come back here.' He squeezed my waist to make me look back at him. When I did, he leaned up and softly kissed me. 'I'll make sure you're perfectly safe from your own hormones.'

'Goddamn you.'

'I should say that to you, turning me on like that.' He smiled against my lips when he felt the protest in my grip.

'If it's so hard for you, then I could just step off you right now.' I talked back, our lips still practically attached.

'Oh no, please continue what you were doing.'

'You like torturing yourself like that?'

'Delayed pleasure is all the more rewarding, don't you think?' His voice was dropping again, and I didn't know how much more of this I could take. I took a couple of breaths to decide. Taking those breaths with Chrollo still attached to me, made me realize that I mainly didn't trust myself at this point. I couldn't do it. Not tonight. I hung my forehead against his when I realized this. 'Alright, we'll just hang around the rest of the night, not a problem.'

'I'm sorry.'

'Don't be. I'm not going anywhere, there's no rush to it.'

'You're being too understanding.'

'Are you asking me to force you into it some more? Do you want me to take you over the edge?' I slightly shook my head, 'It's alright, it really is. I'm just cursing myself a little that I stopped you.'

'Deal with it.' I spoke up more resolute before shuffling back and standing back up from him. I cursed myself as well when I looked back down at his crotch a second just to check if something was visible. I closed my eyes and took another deep breath to get me out of this mode. I saw he'd noticed me looking, and I turned around again to maybe get one of those drinks. But the second I turned, he grabbed my hips again and pulled me back over him, laying his arms around me, and his head next to mine on my shoulder.

'You see, even with the look you just gave me, I'm perfectly capable to keep myself in check.' I had to laugh about all of this right now. _I'm being an idiot_. I'm so scared of becoming like my classmates that I never even dared to think about doing any of this, and it's left me being this awkward mess right now.

'You know what, as soon as I trust myself with you, I'll let you know just as subtly as just now.' A small groan escaped his lips.

'Well, saying that made it just a little bit harder.' I laughed again at the unintended pun, even though it made me uncomfortable.

'Can I have my drink now, then?'

'Just take what you want.' He loosened his grip, and let me stand back up. He refused a drink himself, and this time I dared sit close next to him a little more. In two hours I'd be heading back home, but I didn't mind sitting in his arms for that amount of time. This was slowly starting to feel more and more comfortable as we started talking about everything and nothing.

No, I have to agree again with my previous statement, this _does _feel alright.

* * *

_A/N _

_Oh what I wouldn't have given for a first boyfriend like this._

_... ...  
...Ah!  
No!  
Goddamnit Chrollo.  
_

_Aah~ but to make or not to make this fic rated M  
Because of course there's definitely gonna be sex in the future, but I'm still deliberating if it fits in between the rest of the story.  
Else I'd just insinuate the happenings...  
Choices..._


	9. Not so secret

Although things in the dating area had been going well, things at home had taken a turn for the worse.

'Chrollo, I'm sorry, I can't make it today.'

_'Why? What's the matter?' _Everything was the matter. A couple of days ago, Pairo's sister had committed suicide. For the entire family, but most of all for my best friend, this had come completely out of the blue. I've been preoccupied with being there for him. Her death, together with the two deaths by patient and murder in the last six months, was taken with a lot of pain by all of us. Pressure is rising on all of us.

'I'm sorry I should've remembered to call you earlier, but we had a funeral today. I'm not really in the mood to come by anymore.' _That's a lie. _I hadn't called him on purpose. Somewhere I'd hoped to still have enough energy to escape the grief and find comfort with him today, but I really didn't.

_'My condolences. Was it someone close to you?' _

'Someone from the family, yes.' I closed my eyes, remembering Pairo when he told all those nice stories about her…. _He really didn't deserve this, _

_'If it was murder, want me to take care of the murderer?' _

'No, no, you don't have to do that, it was suicide. There's been enough death for one day anyway. But thank you for the offer.'

_'Never a problem.' If it _had _been murder, that would've probably spared us another death. _I sighed and shook my head at the realization that I was dating an Assassin. Sometimes I forget his real profession. With how he's been acting around me these last two weeks, you can't really blame me though. _'Want to set another date then, or shall I call again tomorrow?' _

'Who're you talking to Kura?' I was interrupted before I could answer. I turned my head and spoke up when I saw my mother appearing from around the corner to the kitchen.

'It's just Chrollo, mom. I'm canceling the appointment for today, I forgot to do that.' I started rubbing my eyes, I hadn't slept very well this week,

'Chrollo? You mean your counselor? Just invite him to dinner, it's alright with me.'

'Excuse me?' I stopped my movement when I heard that proposition. _Where did that suddenly come from?_

'Look, tonight's going to be hard either way. It's been a tough couple of days on all of us, and you don't need to play the martyr and sacrifice yourself to make us feel better. You either go to him either way, or he comes here for diner.' I blinked a couple of times at these words, 'He's doing wonders for your mood, so I want you to see him.' Before she walked out of my sight, she gave me a knowing look, and I whispered into the phone, horrified,

'She knows…' _She goddamn knows…_

_'Your mother knows we're dating?' When had she found out and why hadn't she reacted to it before if she knew?!_

'Of course I know Kura, You've not exactly been subtly lovestruck.' Embarrassed that she said that, I followed her around the corner with the phone still next to my ear, not believing what I was hearing.

'You know this, but you're okay with it?!'

'Why wouldn't I be?' I was surprised to hear such a calm tone coming from her, it wasn't helping my confusion,

'I am not only dating – something we're practically forbidden to – but I'm a dating a 24 year old male teacher from my school. Excuse me that I cannot simply accept that you're accepting this!' I heard my sister snort from the room behind me,

'Look, Kura, first of all, don't make such a fuss over it that I'm actually accepting this. Second,' _Oh god, she's going to count of the reasons_… '…I don't know where you got the idea that I was homophobic. Third, he's not _your _teacher, so I really don't care. And fourth, your father and I are ten years apart, did you really think age difference was going to matter to me? Frankly, I'd like it more if he'd come by, by now. Seeing as you're probably following him around like a chick follows their mother hen, considering the way you've been around the house.' _Please stop saying that I've been obvious,_ 'I just want to find out if he's not simply using you. So tell him that he's welcome here by five.' She stuck her tongue out at me when I looked too dumbfounded to give a retort. Was my face red? Because it felt like it was burning up on the spot,

'Mom!' _I can't believe I actually took that tone. _For appearances though, I covered the phone, 'You can't be serious! What about everything you've ever taught me about protecting our family? Why am I getting an exception?' None of this was making sense to me,

'We already did a background check on him weeks ago, he's clean. Apart from petty theft when he was 13, there's nothing. Just be careful not to let him see your real eye color. But I think we've taught you well enough not to do that, haven't we.' _I can't believe any of this… _I walked back around the corner and let myself fall back against the wall.

_'So, what's the verdict?' _I removed my hand from the phone, still dumbfounded. _My mind couldn't comprehend any of this on a day like today, _

'Apparently you're coming to dinner tonight, and you're supposed to be here at five.'

_'I'm meeting your parents tonight? Isn't that a little inappropriate, you just had a funeral today.' _

'It was my mom's own decision.' I shut my eyes tight, and pinched the bridge of my nose, not completely believing that my mother actually just said all of that.

_'She probably feels like she needs to take control, doesn't she. If she already knows about you and me, then she wants certainty that I'm not going to hurt you.' _That's probably it… _'It's alright though, you know I have the time tonight. I'll behave.' _

'You sure you're okay with this?'

_'The real question is, are you? Because neither I or your mother are having any problems with this.' _

'Sure, let's just do this.' I sighed the words to him. _Sure, why not, it's already been such a grand day… _

_'Don't sound so exasperated, I won't make the evening any harder on you than it already is. I'll be there to support you, not embarrass you.' _

'Thank you.' _Well, if someone can pull that off, it's probably Chrollo_. 'I'm sorry, I'll stop doubting this. I'll see you in about an hour then.'

_'Till then. Love you.' _

'Love you too.' My eyes shot wide open when the words sank in. _What just happened? Oh god no. _No no no no. Not today of all days, how goddamn _dare_ you. I felt like crying out of lack of comprehension now.

_This goddamn day._

_And there was still the whole night left. _

* * *

_A/N_

_It are more guidelines than hard set rules about dating, it's just to discourage the kids to randomly get involved with everything that has a pulse (remembering my own puberty, a rule like that is most definitely needed xD)_

_(Ria, I hope you're enjoying the plottwist from PL over here as well :P)  
_


	10. A quiet dinner

'I am so sorry.' I hung my head and sighed when I opened the door for Chrollo. He could only laugh about my exasperation though, so I immediately looked back up at him. 'And we're talking about the stunt you pulled over the phone after all this is through.' I was not particularly happy that the first time those words had been said, had been over the phone or even on this goddamn day for that matter.

'My apologies, it kind of slipped out.' The gleam in his eyes was saying otherwise. It's hard to gauge someone who generally cannot show genuine emotion though, so that gleam was all I could go by.

I heard my mother already approaching from the kitchen. He was in luck, dad was still out taking care of some business with Pairo's family, so he only had one parent to worry about. 'Thank you for saying it back either way, though. I know it's been a hard day for you.' With my mother already in the hallway, he decided to lean over and give me a short kiss. I could feel my face turn red, and heard Lianna make an annoying sound from behind mom. I pulled away immediately and wanted to scold him for doing that, but we were interrupted before I had the chance to.

'Mr. Lucilfer, glad to finally make your acquaintance.'

'The pleasure is mine. My condolences on your niece.' Annoyed, I still let him pass. Mainly disgruntled with mom wanting to interrogate him on a day like this, I wanted to follow behind them to make sure he wasn't harassed too much, but Lianna stopped me before we even got out of the hallway, and wanted to drag me off with her right away.

'Kura~'

'What?' I sighed the word, pulling my arm out of her hand, too tired from everything,

'Have you guys done it yet?' My eyes shocked open wide to hear that question suddenly come from her, my face involuntarily contorted in fairly unpleasant surprise,

'A-are you kidding me?! You're eleven, why are you already concerned with stuff like that?!' She grinned back up at me wickedly. _What is happening tonight? _

'So you haven't.' I glared down at her, not dignifying it with an answer. 'What's it like with someone older than you?' I wasn't left alone for a second though.

'I didn't know mom gave you the task to interrogate me.' I turned away from her, walking back into the living room, but she stayed practically glued to me. 'And just ask mom and dad. I swear to god though if you plan on dating someone 15 or over, I'm personally strangling him.' I leaned back against the couch, trying to catch a glimpse of the two currently in the kitchen. But she blocked sight to there by jumping up on the couch, leaning her hands on the backrest, closing her face in on mine. I had to back away a little. _Tonight has just begun and I'm already beat from the day, where do you get your damn energy from, _

'Ne, what do you guys do when you're together if you're not having sex?'

'None of your damn business!' I replied exasperated. I was starting to lose my patience already.

'And if you guys _are _gonna do it, how does that go with two guys?' …._Excuse me?! _After a short, sudden silence in both rooms, Lianna getting an incredulous from me, I heard Chrollo laugh at the question. Lianna turned around, her hair swishing behind her when she redirected the question to him. 'How's it done?'

'Lianna you are _not _asking a question like _that_!' I raised my voice at her angrily, but Chrollo just raised his hand, and took over.

'It's not important how it's done. It's something private between me and Kurapika.' My face turned a deeper shade of red when he looked straight back at me, and I indignantly turned my eyes away. _This is beyond private indeed. _Lianna still pouted back at him, wanting to continue the questioning, but mom interrupted,

'Lianna, Mr. Lucilfer may be so nice to answer you, but you know what I think of this kind of attitude, you're either going upstairs without_ any_ of your electronic devices, or you're going to sit here, silently, until it's time to eat. What will it be?' Mom's tone told both of us that she was dead serious, and Lianna huffed and puffed at the ultimatum, sitting down on the couch with an angry look on her face. _Serves you right, you little nightmare._

After that debacle was over, I decided to just start helping out in the kitchen as well, but apparently I wasn't allowed to talk with Chrollo at all. _I thought you invited him over to soothe me, mom. _I gave her that look, but she ignored it time and time again.

It wasn't until Chrollo stayed with me in the dining room while mom made the final preparations, that I could even interject a word in between her interrogation to talk with him.

'You're taking this well.' He leaned over to kiss me again, but I raised my hand in between us before he would reach his goal. 'Please not here and now.'

'I'm used to a lot worse than this. And it's less stress this way, right? In the long run it's better it happens, although timing is a little bad.' He pocketed his hands,

'A little?' He closed his eyes and shrugged when I repeated it, a second later hearing mom ask the next question already,

'Where did you say you grew up again?' He raised his voice to answer calmly,

'Meteor city, ma'am.'

'That's a poor city, isn't it? How were you able to get where you are now, growing up there?'

'Yes it is very poor, I had a hard time getting a decent education there, so I mainly schooled myself in the neighboring town. I worked in cleaning and maintaining the building itself for compensation.'

'That's quite admirable.'

'Thank you.'

'So you were good friends with the resident staff?' She turned the corner into the dining room, Chrollo turning around to her,_ you already know all of this, mom,_

'Would you like me to get the contact information of that school? I'm sure they still remember me.' Her eyes narrowed a little when he let it be known he knew exactly what she was doing.

'Why would they remember you?'

'It's not every day that someone helps so much just to get an education. For the poor school that it still was, they will undoubtedly remember me.' She was silenced for a couple of seconds before she shrugged it off and said that just the contact information would be fine. When she stalked off to the living room to get an undoubtedly grumpy Lianna, Chrollo found the moment of distraction where he kissed me above my ear anyway.

'Goddamnit, I told you I didn't want that here!'

'There was no-one watching. I thought it was okay.'

'Not tonight please.' I sighed the words, Chrollo still sliding his arms around me from behind, pulling me into a short embrace.

'I'll not do it again unless asked to.'

'That's a good dog.' We both snorted when I said that.

'Well that's one way in which sex is possible.' I inhaled very deeply, closing my eyes, trying my utmost not to yell back at him, holding my breath. Lucky for him, before I could utter any kind of profanity, mom and Lianna had already come back to the dining room. Chrollo's hands slid away from my waist as he went to sit down at the table. _This goddamn night. _

* * *

'I still can't believe any of this day's happening, to be honest.' I finally sat down on the couch next to Chrollo at the end of the night. By now, everyone was already getting ready for bed. Not only had Chrollo gotten a cross-examination during dinner as well – even more so when dad got home - they'd been able to keep him here the entire night. It's eleven, and _now _they decide that it would actually help more if I had time alone with him. _Where did you guys even find the energy for this interrogation. _

He'd taken all of this without a problem though. I guess being a specialist in Assassination, he's used to these kinds of talks – either getting them or having them with others.

'I think my favorite moment was from your little sister before she was sent upstairs, when she started wondering out loud how it would go.' I started grunting when remembering that moment, letting my head fall down in my hands, and shaking it; all night she'd been set on embarrassing me – _all night_. That damn eleven year old is too preoccupied with this stuff for her age. I heard Chrollo laugh next to me. _Thank god you have no shame, and thank god that you blew her off. _'But next to this being extremely awkward at best, it was a good distraction for a while, wasn't it.' With a slight touch of his finger, he stroked some hair behind my ear. _Well, if it was _one _thing,_

'It still hurts to have seen Pairo that devastated. I don't even want to imagine how it would feel if my own sister would do that.' I turned my head a little to be able to look at him.

'Don't worry, she doesn't seem like the type to commit suicide.'

'Pairo's sister didn't look it either.'

'The worst thing you can do right now is get overly concerned about her, because that will only push her further away.' I closed my eyes again and sighed in this realization. _I can't help something like that either way. _The moment that sigh escaped my lips, Chrollo decided to pull me closer. Unresisting by now after this entire day, I let my head lean against him, burying my face in his shoulder a little. When he turned my way some more to lay his other arm around me as well, I lazily lifted my hands around his waist. For a while, we stayed in the silence just like that. _This, this was all I needed right now. _The entire day I'd spent comforting family, being there for them, holding them, feeling their pain, staying strong. Now I could finally just let it go a little with someone who didn't have anything to do with the family, and wasn't feeling that same pain. It felt really warm and cozy…

'Don't fall asleep just yet. I still have to drive back.' He whispered to me after a couple of minutes when he noticed I started drifting off.

'Can't you just stay here for the night, you're really warm.' My sleepy brain wasn't helping me right now.

'I don't think your parents will appreciate that right away.'

'Then just take me to your place, that's fine with me.' I nuzzled a little further against his shoulder, not really caring what I was saying.

'I think they'll appreciate that even less.' I groaned a little when he mentioned that. _I don't want to get up anymore today. _

'Goddamnit, don't be right all the time.'

'Haha, sorry about that.' I felt the soft touch of his hand gliding over my back. 'Come here.' He untangled us a little before grabbing my waist, and motioning me to sit with my legs on both sides of him, facing him. My eyes fluttered open a little at this physical activity. I felt his hands still on my waist, and I casually let mine rest on his for now. None of this was registering to me that my parents could take it the wrong way if they decided to come down one last time. 'Not tonight, but any time you feel like sleeping over at my place, you're welcome to. No strings attached.' I was slowly waking up a little. With the emphasis on the slow,

'You have an incredible amount of empathy for doing what you do.'

'It's my job, it's not my hobby. Besides, nine out of ten times I actually prevent more victims to happen.'

'That's probably true.' When he leaned away from the backrest, I accommodated and leant down to meet his lips halfway. I finally felt the freedom to do so. Just a month ago, this little action had sent me into a state of utter confusion. Now all that's left is a very pleasant and warm feeling.

'Don't worry, I'd kill any employer that would ask me to kill any of you.' I laughed a little when he said that. _Why, thank you so much. _He got another kiss for that one, lingering close to me, 'By the way, I've been meaning to ask something.'

'What?'

'Why do you wear colored contacts all day long?' My mood dropped again when the dreaded subject finally surfaced.

'Personal preference, don't worry about it.'

'Are you ashamed of their natural color? Do you have a disease?' He kissed one of my lids before leaning back when he heard an exasperated sigh. 'I'm sorry if it's a heavy subject for you.' I just raised my hand and answered.

'They just have an unusual color, I rather not catch attention with it.'

'But we're alone now, there's no threat, is there?'

'Don't take this personally, but I'm really uncomfortable removing them in front of anyone.' I turned my head away from him, but he turned it back by my chin. _I really don't want to deal with this now. _

'One day I'd like to look in your real eyes, but if you're really this insecure about them, it can wait.' He let his hand slide back to my waist when I leaned in to him completely to kiss him. I could've easily stayed in that warmth all night, not thinking about all the pain.

Were it not for Lianna very subtly interrupting us again.

'Mom! Dad! They're having sex on the couch!' I almost choked when I heard that shrill voice scream back up to our parents, and pulled away from Chrollo who started laughing heartily at hearing that.

'You little bitch, you know goddamn well we're not doing that!' I yelled back at her, and stood up from Chrollo to chase her away. Stupidly laughing and sticking out her tongue, she ran back upstairs. Before I could run after her in a fit of maturity, I felt a pair of hands on my waist stop me and turn me around, pulling me against him for a final kiss for today. I was left a little dazed when he pulled away,

'Good night.' It wasn't until my eyes had followed him all the way out the door that I was able to say the same thing back,

'Good night…' _He just goddamn evaded the conversation I wanted to have earlier, didn't he. _It would take at least another week before I could spend the night with him though, I'm taking over the last couple of days from Pairo's target.

'He's alright, isn't he.' I heard my mother's voice softly from behind me. 'He passes.' I turned around to her. 'Somewhere I still have this notion that he's too perfect a boyfriend, but there's nothing about him that sets alarm bells ringing with my motherly instincts, so he passes. I'm sorry I was so rough on him.' It was at that point that I finally actually broke down crying after this entire week, and let myself be caught by my mother. _No matter how much I care about Chrollo, my family will always be most important to me, and today I had to take more than I could handle. _'There, there. We'll get through this together.' I clutched around her tightly, smothering my cries on her shoulder. She kissed my cheek before laying her head next to mine. 'Never forget your own sorrow to catch someone else's, okay?' I felt some tears of hers fall down on my shoulder when she said that. Everything's been too much lately, hasn't it, for everyone. _I'm so glad I have all of you, please don't go anywhere. _

* * *

_A/N_

_I just realized, I haven't updated this for 10 days, have I D8  
That has to be a new record for me.  
I'm already writing the next chapter though!  
_

_And thank you Lianna for taking everyone's mind off things xD  
Also, just to make clear that Kura's family is still the most important thing to him _


	11. Relax

_A/N_

_The rating has been upped for a reason. The lines in this chapter are merely there to show where the rated M part is. Just in case some of my readers want to skip it._

* * *

'You alright a little by now?' Because it would still cause complications if we were seen together in public, we usually agreed to either just go to his place, or take the car to go to the neighboring city. It was barely a half an hour drive from his house, so neither of us minded.

'Yeah, it's okay. By now we're all starting to get the feeling we'll be able to get through this.' Easier said than done. I've spent almost all my free time with Pairo, and it's been rough to see how it all affected his family. I couldn't let it get to me too much either, because I still had to track his target, and that had bothered me as well.

But hurt as they are, I could see they were looking for a place where they'd be able to accept they might never know what drove her to do this. It's gonna take a while, but I have faith that they will, and Pairo knows I'll always have time to spare for him.

'You're a really close family, aren't you.'

'Yeah, I'm glad we are.' I got a kiss from him when I closed the car door behind me, and leaned back against it. 'Thank you for giving me the time with my family.'

'You are very welcome, but I'm not letting you go anymore for the rest of the day, just so you know.' Chrollo hadn't really been on my mind, I have to admit. He's important, but he's only been here for a short while. Family will always come first.

'Well, it's a Saturday, so that's fine with me.' After everything I've done for the family this past week, it did feel good to step out of it and distract myself though. I used to just curl up with a book, or study our way of medicine some more when I wanted to relax, but I think I'm warming up to this method as well. 'Unless you're distracting yourself from schoolwork with me, of course.' He smiled before cupping my face and kissing me more wantingly after those words. I raised my hands to his waist when he stepped closer and pressed us against the car. It didn't take long for him to wanting to deepen the kiss, and I felt a chuckle in my throat when I noticed that neediness. Apparently he _has_ been thinking about me. He barely made enough room for our lips to move to ask,

'What? What's so funny?'

'Nothing really. But you really missed me a lot for being just one week apart.' He still didn't let go of my face,

'I don't hear you complaining though.'

'Why in the hell would I?' I laughed before our lips met again. But this time he didn't stay there, he trailed his kisses over my cheek to just below my ear, and made sure that for a short second, my throat made it clear that I'd apparently missed it as well. _Goddamn you, we're still in public! _His hands glided down to my shoulders when he noticed I protested against this public display.

'You know, we don't _have _to go out today.' On top of what he was doing to my dignity, those words made my face even more red; and I responded nervously, knowing what he meant.

'Ahaha… alright..?' I felt dignity slip away even farther, and he softly laughed at the tone,

'You don't _have _to do anything, you know this right?'

'Yeah, I know.' He pulled away from my neck to look at me for a second. _Please don't,_

'You're afraid of laying yourself bare after all you've been taught, aren't you.'

'It sounds really stupid when you put it like that.' I relaxed my hands a bit more when I noticed them clasping his jacket. I don't know why it is exactly, because we've been taught to keep our minds to ourselves, not necessarily our bodies.

'That's because it is.' I glared at him when I noticed he was holding back a snicker. _This is a serious issue for me,_ 'We don't have to do everything at once, you know this too, right? If you're really so insecure about it, you don't have to lay yourself bare completely. Plus, I don't mind doing all the work.' I hung my head. It was honestly all I could do. I knew it were all just nonsensical insecurities, but I couldn't stop them. It took me a couple of seconds to find some new determination, and I raised my head again, looking him straight in the eyes. _I goddamn want to do this, I've been thinking about it on and off, I like being near him, it's time to stop hesitating before it becomes a real issue. _

'You know what? I've been in goddamn mourning all week, damn right you're going to do all the work.' He smiled and laughed a little at the change in mood, but didn't hesitate either at this opportunity.

'Whatever you say.' He then grabbed my hand and nearly dragged me inside. I barely had enough time to lock my car from afar, before his front door closed behind us. _Holy shit, what have I just agreed to. _

* * *

He locked the door behind me, and didn't waste any time taking his coat off, and kicking his shoes away. A bit surprised by these sudden actions, I didn't really do anything until he cupped my face again and took my breath away with a kiss. My hands lifted to his, and I inclined my head, being pushed back against the wall. This was so different than other times. And the difference became all too clear when he reached up to slowly unzip my jacket, not letting our lips part. He glided his hands back up over my chest, and hooked his hands under the piece of clothing, letting it glide off my shoulders to the floor when I dropped my hands. When I slid them back up to his hips, he pressed against me more firmly, placing a leg in between mine. I gasped into the kiss, feeling the vibration of a moan from him when I did. He really has been holding back all this time, hasn't he. It made me slightly anxious, but he didn't give me time to dwell on it. His hands found their way to my ass, and he pulled me even closer. When the pressure increased this much, I needed more air for my gasp, and our lips parted, my grip on his waist increasing.

'I take it you don't want to do it here.' He leaned his forehead against mine, he was slightly out of breath himself.

'Do I really have to say that?' I was somehow able to bring out. He took a deep inhale and squeezed my ass a bit tighter before letting go.

'Then let's go upstairs.' Everything was so close that I wasn't able to answer, but I did follow him up the stairs. The moment I stepped inside his bedroom, he grabbed me by the waist again, and pulled me close for a short, intense kiss. Caught off-guard by it, he was able to twirl me around and half throw me on the bed before I could react. When I sat back up again, my legs still hanging off the edge, he was already taking his shirt off,

'Hey! I told you to do all the work, not just throw me anywhere you please!'

'I'm sorry.' He stopped his strip show to step towards me and leaned his hands beside me on the bed, catching my lips again. Slowly, I lowered myself to my back, Chrollo already setting one knee on the edge, 'I may have gotten a little carried away.' I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to calm down, but that wasn't going to happen anytime soon.

'Be a little more mindful.' Tentatively I reached my hands up to his torso, and glided them up over his shoulders. When I did, I caught his eyes again, and felt my face turning red again. I need to allow myself to goddamn do this. I slid back a little more on the bed, kicking off my shoes as well, Chrollo finding his way over me completely, leaning down on his elbows next to my head and started kissing my neck.

'You can do whatever you want, but you don't _have _to do anything, alright?' When I nodded, he took a deeper breath, and let his lower body find its way down on mine. I slid my hands up and folded them behind his neck in his hair when he did, a small sound escaping my throat. His lips hovered close to my ear when he repeated the movement, placing himself a little better. He didn't stop there, and kept repeating it, the soft groans from his throat filling my ears. The only reason he stopped, was because I got increasingly more tense when I felt excitement rising.

Knowing that no words would help decrease that tension, he simply changed strategy. He lifted himself a little, and lowered his hand to ghost over the area that was causing me problems. When he pressed down on it more firmly, he simultaneously kissed me again, inhaling the groan that escaped my mouth. He didn't let go of my lips, and found my tongue with his, pulling me further into the sensation while he rubbed over me. I let my hands slide down to his shoulders, and took a firm hold there, trying to deal with all of this.

'Would it help if I stopped dragging this on? I love foreplay, but if it's making you too nervous-' I protested when he started talking either way. A soft laugh escaped his lips just before he leaned back up on his knees, giving me some distance, and he started carefully unbuttoning my shirt, making sure to ghost over my skin with his fingertips whenever he could. Constantly he was quietly asking permission, but I wasn't really able to make the decisions. So I just lay my arms above my head and let all of this happen, feeling his hands glide up and down my chest. Seeing and feeling him do this with such care, pulled me out of my anxiety a little, and I gasped when he leaned down again to first kiss my abdomen, slowly trailing up instead of down. His hands softly on my waist, I felt my back arch a little when his tongue twirled around one of my nipples. He better positioned himself when he noticed its positive effect, and lay his lips around it some more. In the space given to me, I shifted my legs to make it some more comfortable for myself. He trailed his tongue to the other side after a while, and he moaned over the wetted skin, sending the vibration over it. I'd long since closed my eyes to the sensation, and slowly got more comfortable in letting these small sounds of pleasure exit my throat.

After a while, he slid his hands further up over my shoulders, wanting me to take my shirt off completely. I sat up to help him do this, and shook the thing off me. I was left staring at his abs, and decided to try this for myself. I lay my lips against his skin, and I felt a slight shiver go through it. I lifted my hands, sliding them up the side of his legs, to his ass, and continued trailing my kisses for as far as I could, massaging the flesh underneath my palms. I was still shaking a little under all of this, but it got a little less when I felt his hands slide up into my hair to the back of my neck. I could tell he was getting excited under all of this, but he was still being gentle.

He pulled me away after a while, and slid back, pulling me up on my knees as well. Since he was taller than me, he still had to hunch over to kiss me, and pulled me closer again. My hands found their way to his hips again, but his didn't stay in one place for very long. He trailed his lips back to my ear when he asked for permission to open my pants, his finger already on the button. With a little trouble, I gave him a small nod, and increased my grip on his waist when I felt being given more freedom. Neither me nor him looked down, his face stayed next to mine when he carefully pulled both my pants and underwear down to expose me. I felt my breathing increase when his hand found its way around me, and my fingers clawed into his flesh. I let my head fall against his shoulder, and he softly kissed my ear while his hand started to move around me. _Well this is nothing compared to doing it myself… _

I felt my breaths shorten against his skin, and my eyes were shut tight. A louder moan escaped my throat when his thumb stroked along the tip. I felt a bit embarrassed that I was getting excited so easily.

When his touches got me far along enough, he started to set in a rhythm, and my hands got restless. His own breathing was starting to increase as well, and the sounds filling my ear were not doing much good for my restlessness. So when my fingertips found their way underneath the hem of his pants, he stopped his movements for now. I nuzzled against his shoulder some more, trying to catch my breath again.

Chrollo had other ideas about that though. He lay his hands on top of mine, and guided them from the side to the front of his pants,

'I wouldn't mind some more room myself.' He whispered next to me. _You are _not _making me do this while I'm like this… _I felt pathetic for trembling a little when I still started doing what he asked. He kissed my ear again when I did, whispering a thank you, and laying his hands on my hips again, sliding them back over my ass. When I felt like I'd done the impossible and pulled down his pants and underwear far enough, he took it over from me. He shuffled off from the bed, and pulled it off completely. When faced with the situation this dead on, I felt my face turning an incredible shade of red. So I was glad that when it did, Chrollo immediately crawled back over to me, motioning me to lay back down on my back, and he slid the pants off my legs as well. I had to bit the back of my hand when instead of lying over me, he decided to trail kisses up my inner thighs, but bypassing the most prominent part. His hand slid under the small of my back, wanting me to sit back up. I had no idea what was in store for me, so all I could do was follow what he was asking of me.

When he shuffled closer again, I placed my legs over his, wrapping them around his back, our foreheads meeting when his hands slid up and down my sides.

'Don't worry, I'm not entering you the first time.'

'Well, thank you.' When he shuffled us even closer, it got through to me completely just how much he was excited about all this as well. He leant down to kiss my lips, and moved my restless arms up around his neck. For a good while this was just how we were. I felt his erection against mine, and didn't know whether I had to be embarrassed, or wanted it to become more intense.

When his hand found its way around the both of us and pressed us together, I groaned into the kiss, and had to let go for air. The grip around his neck increased, and I rested my head against the side of his. As if the sounds exiting his throat as well weren't enough, the experienced movements around us, pressing us together, were not exactly keeping me from becoming more silent. I felt my fingers flex and unflex before settling on tightly clenched fists to release some of the tension. Carefully, I positioned myself a little better, and arched my back into the feeling when he started up a slow, steady rhythm. I couldn't take this anymore, all this tension, all this building up, and it was heard through my voice. I didn't want to come too quickly, but at the same time my body was begging for release. I bit into the flesh of his shoulder to smother my cries, but it didn't work when Chrollo let out a deeper breath when I did and his movements staggered. Purely for the distraction from myself, I repeated the action, getting the same reaction from him, but this time he was able to continue around us,

'Well, if you want it that much.' He whispered next to me, before deciding to increase the rhythm. My legs wrapped around him even more tightly, hooking my feet, and almost choking him with the grip around his neck. I was beyond the point where I could smother my cries any longer, and my hips started to move a little in rhythm to his hand.

'More…' I heard the word exit my throat, immediately regretting it when he gripped my waist tightly, and paid more attention to our tips. My breaths became more ragged than before, and I felt that I was close. The tone of my groans went up, and I couldn't hold back anymore when I felt him twitch against me. I cried out louder when the moment came and my legs nearly crushed his sides when I was finally allowed release. It became even worse when he let himself go as well a second later, and we rode out this ecstatic shocking feeling together.

I let myself go and felt my body relax against his. His hand slowly stopped moving when we were both done, and took a couple of moments to catch our breaths. I wish I hadn't been granted those moments though, because I didn't want realization dawning on me just yet.

* * *

'That wasn't so bad, was it?' _Easy for you to say, I'm still trying to wrap my head around it._ I slid my arms around him some more again, my head next to his on his shoulder. He let go of us, but refrained from laying that dirty hand on me. I appreciated that, and I nuzzled into his shoulder some more, my legs around him slowly starting to relax. I wasn't certain about what to do now that it was over, and I felt slightly embarrassed for letting myself go like that, making all those sounds. He kissed my ear to let me calm down some more, letting his lips linger a little. When the silence stretched on, he felt obligated to start conversation up again.

'I'd like to ask if you liked it, but I believe you did, didn't you.' I grunted when he actually brought that up, and a soft chuckle exited his throat. 'I'd love to do it again right away, give you all kinds of pleasurable moments, but I think you need some time to recuperate, don't you.' I nodded against his shoulder. I was trying to step out of my embarrassment, 'I'll be right back then, but I'd like to clean myself up a little first. I'll hand you a towel if you don't want to move away from the bed yet.'

'Appreciated.' I let my hands slide off his shoulders, and shuffled back a little, giving him the room to slide his legs off the side of the bed. After standing up though, he grabbed my chin and turned my head his way, kissing me softly.

'It's alright, I still love you.' He laughed when I gave him an insulted look back. I know I'm inexperienced in these matters, but all of this is kind of a big deal for me. For 16 years, I never knew anyone outside of my family. And now I don't only know someone, I have a relationship with him, I can trust him, and talk about it when something bothers me about my family. 'Oh, I wish I could say those words with the same intensity you're looking at me right now.' It made me smile, hearing those words. Also made me very self-conscious about my nudity at the moment. When he noticed, he gave me another kiss, and walked to the bathroom, throwing two towels back out at me. Standing up from the bed, I noticed I was still a bit unsteady on my feet. But I ignored that in favor of cleaning myself up in time to cover my nudity, and lean back against a clear part of wall, slowly letting it sink what had just happened. When Chrollo walked back out of the bathroom, he immediately sought me out again, and kissed me, leaning his elbow next to my head,

'You're making it impossible for me to stay away when you look like that.'

'Well, I never actually told you to stay away, did I.' _I can't believe I just said that… _In response, he suddenly decided to scoop me up and throw me softly back on the bed. All the while, my protests were not doing anything to stop him, as he crawled over me on his hands and knees. He set his elbows next to my head,

'When I say that you make it difficult for me to stay away, you don't say something that makes it even harder. I thought you were smarter than that.' I felt the vibration of his heartfelt laugh, and couldn't help but follow his example. I was finally starting to relax a bit. So when Chrollo leaned down for another kiss, I met him halfway, pulling him down with me, cupping his face. I wasn't immediately up for another round, but this I didn't mind. I noticed though, that Chrollo was indeed holding himself back, so I pulled our lips apart for a second to speak up.

'I have a free night, so I could stay.' He let out a deep breath and hung his head, leaning his forehead against mine.

'You just keep going, don't you?' I laughed again.

'Will it work better if I say that we still need to have dinner?'

'Thank you.' He leaned back up on his knees. 'We do indeed need some food. Let's put some clothes on and go out for tonight.' I leaned up on my elbows,

'You sure you'll be able to restrain yourself in a restaurant?'

'Throwing it back at me, are you?'

'Naturally.'

'I'll better be able to at a restaurant than if we'd attempt to cook here.'

'Fair point.' I slid off the bed and started searching around for my clothes, making sure the towel would stay around my waist for now. Leaning down to pick up the garments was apparently an invitation for Chrollo to smack my ass, and in reflex I almost threw the clothes at him, but refrained just in time. 'You're goddamn depraved.'

'Why yes, yes I am.'

'I think we indeed need a public place to cool you down some more.' The look in his eyes told me that wasn't going to happen though. _Why did I invite myself here for the night again? _

'I think we both need that.'

'Instead of watching me get dressed, you could start getting dressed yourself, Mr. Lucilfer.' He smiled back at me before complying. I am really grateful that he's being considerate in all of this, because I honestly don't know where my nerves are anymore. This is too contrasting with the entire last week, I can't even start to fathom what's going on. _I came here to relax, I got a little more than I bargained for, didn't I. _

Mah, at least I can't say that it's all bad…

* * *

_A/N_

_FINE  
Rated M it is  
Knowing where it's going, I think it'd have been impossible to keep it rated T all through the story either way  
_


	12. Scarlet

'Well, that was… interesting.'

'You are too amused by all of this.' I took my jacket off and threw it against the hangers, not really caring where it would land, generally pissed off at the end of the night.

'Amused? Only because you seem to take it so hard, when there's absolutely no reason to.' I turned around with my arms crossed, watching him pick up my jacket and taking his own off as well.

'We were assaulted, how is that no reason to take it hard?'

'I understand that you've never had this before?'

'… …' When he stepped towards me, wanting to kiss it away, I turned back around and kicked off my shoes, helping myself to the couch. I'd protested coming back here, but he'd somehow convinced to come along either way, saying it would blow over.

'I'm sorry, but you _do _know not all people take too kindly to same sex dating, especially not when there's an age difference. You stalk people for your family, you _must _have seen this before.' I sighed deeply, of course I have, but…

'It's different when actually being on the receiving end, Chrollo.' He raised his hands when he heard the hostility. On our way back from the restaurant, where we'd mainly enjoyed the meal by talking - but even then had gotten some looks - someone had flown at us, screaming one thing or the other, and I'd taken care of it immediately.

'Either way that was quite a sight, you becoming so elegantly brutal in the blink of an eye. Although I know that's not something you want to be praised for. …And you may had gone a little overboard.' I sighed and let myself fall back on the couch completely, lifting my legs over the backrest.

'I don't take kindly to narrow-mindedness.' _At least that guy won't bother us ever again. _Granted that I indeed may had overreacted slightly. I'd just been enjoying today so much after the last two weeks, that someone interrupting it – especially for a reason like that – had needed to disappear immediately.

I tried to calm down from it a little, because overall the day had been nice, and took a couple of deep breaths. _Let's just focus on the good things that happened today._ I started to follow Chrollo around with my eyes while he locked all the doors and windows, putting on some extra surveillance, and disappearing to another room I didn't know existed. _You actually have hidden rooms. _That piqued my interest. When I heard some soft bleeps coming from there, curiosity overtook enough of my current anger, and rolled myself off the couch to follow him. 'What are you doing?'

'You're aware that I'm an Assassin, aren't you? I know how to cover my tracks, and I know how to stay hidden from even my clients, but for you to sleep soundly tonight, I'm putting on maximum security.' I stopped behind him, and watched him pressing in some controls. We take safety measures as well, but this was way beyond what I was used to. 'Excuse me.' I stepped back outside the room, and let him do all of this. In the first place, it had seemed only natural that I was witness to this; but when I gave it some extra thought, it was a sign of trust that I was allowed to be here and observe him do this. Not that I've ever had any kind of bad intention, but still it felt good.

'You're really easy to put in a good mood, you know that?' Stepping out of the room again, he locked that as well. I looked away, a little disgruntled that I'd forgotten about my anger so quickly. But weighing off this entire day, there really wasn't a whole lot to stay mad about.

'Let's just go to bed, please.'

'At half past ten on a Saturday night?'

'It's been a rather tiring day.' I already walked up the stairs, him following me close after.

'Hopefully not too tiring.' I snorted when I heard the words, and scolded myself for giving in so easily.

'We're not doing anything anymore today. You're incorrigible.'

'Yes I am.' Walking back into the bedroom, first thing I did was take off my shirt, second was that I took the lens case out of my pants pocket. Looking down at it, I realized there really wasn't a whole lot of choice. I couldn't possibly keep them in the entire day. 'You can keep your eyes closed for the rest of the night if you want, but after all we've done up until now, I don't really understand why that's still a sensitive subject.' He approached me from behind, and softly kissed me on the cheek when he noticed my musings. He leaned his head down on my shoulder after.

'Well actually I do. But I don't think that saying the reason out loud will help convince you to take them out, will it.' I sighed and closed my eyes. I'm a very, _very _open book to this man (something that still makes me slightly uncomfortable). I'm not embarrassed about anything concerning my physique – the sex this afternoon not counting – the only thing I'm actually still hesitant about is anything concerning my family. So he must've realized it a while ago, that whatever was to be seen in my eyes, was something shared in my family that needed to be kept a secret.

'Well, if you understand, then it makes it easier for me to just keep my eyes closed.' He kissed me again before I followed him into the bathroom to wash up before going to bed. I didn't have the energy anymore to do anything. Somewhere I was glad that I didn't, enough happened already.

After finishing first, I was told to just take whatever side of the bed felt better for me, and he started walking around, closing the curtains here as well. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I waited until he was behind me to take those lenses out. Immediately closing my eyes, and crawling under the blankets with a borrowed sleeping shirt of his on. Somewhere, I really just wanted to be able to open my eyes, or still have the energy to enjoy this moment some more. I understand that the color draws attention, but if anyone's good at keeping the secret, it's Chrollo. Plus, he'll only know the color, not the actual reason why some people are interested. I know perfectly well that curiosity can easily take over as soon as the color's revealed, so do I trust Chrollo not to get that?

I rolled over to my back and covered my eyes with my arm, sighing deeply. _What an eventful day. _

'You sure you want to keep your eyes closed? You're missing one hell of a striptease.' He let some piece of clothing fall a little harder on the floor, and I snorted at that very subtle action of his before responding,

'You're kidding, right? I already saw you naked this afternoon, you think this is going to convince me to show you something I've never shown before?' I already realized the grave I'd dug for myself while the words left my mouth,

'...….'

'Don't you _dare_ say it!' I raised my free hand, pointing a finger up in the air to make him stop. After doing that, I heard more of his clothes drop to the floor.

'Well, I'd hoped that seeing me this afternoon would have convinced you to strip me, actually. But now I'm still doing all the work.'

'You're still terrible.' I dropped my hand again. When I did, I felt extra pressure on the end of the bed, of Chrollo crawling up on it. 'What are you doing?'

'Perhaps you don't want to strip me right now, but the reverse _is _true.' He stopped when he hung over me on all fours. Leaning down on his elbows, he searched out my lips with his. Slowly, I let my arm glide off my eyes, still keeping them closed, but not objecting to the tender, soft affection I was receiving. My hand found its way up behind his neck and into his hair, massaging the sensitive skin there. When I felt both his and mine breaths increase a little in anticipation, I quickly decided that doing some more of this really couldn't hurt. I'll find the energy somewhere, if only to just end this day on a happy note and forget this evening and my eyes,

'Well, you have my permission to strip me if you want to.' I brought out with a _lot_ of trouble, and I could only half believe that I'd said something embarrassing like that. I felt his amusement through his breaths, and he pulled the blankets down. He started by gliding his fingertips down my neck, and unbuttoning the sleep shirt I'd just put on. _Well, you're not letting the chance slip by, are you_. When he'd opened it wide, I sat up and let myself slide out of the sleeves. Sitting back on his knees, he let a hand slide along the side of my face and into my hair a little. Starting to trail his kisses to my neck, my own hands slid up his legs to his hips, and I laughed,

'You really stripped down completely?'

'I'm really confident in my persuasion skills.'

'Apparently, you are.' I let my hands find their way a little further up his abs and chest. For a short second I felt really smug for monopolizing this man.

'Kurapika?'

'Hm?' My hands glided back down to his bare hips.

'I understand your protectiveness over your family, but I really want to be selfish today.' I sighed deeply, and let my head fall against his chest. His hand glided down from my face to my waist. 'I understand it all really well, but that doesn't take away that I want all of you. I don't know what else I can say to persuade you, because pretty words will only drive you away, won't they.'

'I just buried a family member a week ago.'

'I'm sorry.'

'I also understand your point of view, I'm also sorry.'

'Being a couple of understanding persons doesn't bring us closer to a solution, does it.'

'Yeah, it _really _doesn't help sometimes.' I've been taught the reasons why it's not allowed all my life, but this was the first time I was actually frustrated that it wasn't. It's been bothering me from the day we got together, but I'm not allowed until I'm eighteen, and that's little over a year from now. Am I going to wait until then? Waiting this out would purely be a test to see if the relationship would hold.

It's just too dangerous… if it won't hold, he's about the last person allowed to know of the color.

'Don't do it if you feel forced into it.' He must've noticed my doubt. To be honest, it's got to be really difficult not to notice the heart beating out of my chest at this point. If secret leaks out into the underworld through him… we won't be able to defend ourselves against the kind of contacts he most probably has. 'And especially don't do it if the pressure makes you this nervous.' I'm nervous because I've been drilled the reasons all my life, and the first time I want to go against them, all I can feel is anxiety. I either do this tonight, or I give in to what I've been taught and wait until I'm the right age, and I'm sure we will last. _That is not a decision I can make. _I felt his hands squeeze my waist a little, 'It's really alright, we'll just go to bed for tonight.'

'I'm sorry.' I let out a deep breath. I really can't make the decision, can I.

'Don't be, it's been a long day already.'

'No, I meant, if I'm going to show you this, I need the guarantee that we're going to stay together.'

'So that I won't betray you and your family?' I nodded, 'I'm sorry to say this, but… if I were to turn on you and your family at this point, it wouldn't really matter if you'd show them now or not.' A jolt went through me before he continued, 'Before I even asked you tonight, it was clear that it was an important secret to the family, and if I'd leave you now, I'd just work on trying to uncover why it is a secret.' _That wasn't exactly making me feel more comfortable… _'But I'm not. I thought that it was clear by now that I'm not going anywhere. This is the longest I've ever been with someone and enjoyed it. I'm staying right here.'

'… …'

'I'm sorry if I've made you even more uncomfortable by saying-'

'There's still a light on, isn't there?' He didn't say anything after I interrupted him. I stopped the slight tremble, and pulled away from his chest. Lifting his hands to cup my face, he gently turned me to look at him. Although his words _had _made me beyond uneasy, he had a point. As such there was no real reason anymore to merely hide the color – which was only a novelty – and I just wanted to get rid of this stress.

I took a deep breath, opening my eyes to slits first, adjusting to the light. Somewhere, some words were stuck in the back of my throat, but I let them be, and opened my eyes at him completely.

I didn't really know what to expect from him when I did. But not that the first thing he did was making me close one of my eyes again so he could softly kiss it. He lingered close to me,

'Do you want to hear the cliché's? Or do you want me to tell you that I'm moved that you did this for me when you've never done it before?'

'No, please, tell me some cliché's, I need to laugh.'

'Well, that's not exactly what I'm aiming for.' He created a small distance again, and looked at me for a while, unblinkingly. 'But it's a beautiful color. They seem more alive than any other pair of eyes I've ever seen.' He massaged my skin a little with his thumbs, 'I could list off a thousand things that I find special about them just looking at them. Like that your pupils aren't completely round, and that it fascinates me, that their color seems to become more intense the longer I'm talking… … and please don't thank me for saying this, it would feel strange if you would.' I laughed a little when he said that, because I'd been on the brink of doing just that. It's been such a cause of stress my whole life, and he responds so calmly about it all. 'Ah, at least I've succeeded in making you laugh.'

'You idiot.'

'I told you I don't need thanks, calling me names is taking it a bit too far, don't you think.' I laughed a bit harder.

'This whole goddamn day is unbelievable, and you're still sitting naked on top of me.' I remarked, blushing a little.

'Well, I really didn't think my timing through a whole lot when asking you to do this.'

'You really didn't.' _Liar. _'But let's just continue where we left off, please.' _If only as a distraction to this event, _

'Since you asked so kindly, I'm not questioning it.' He let go of my head, and pushed me back down on the matrass, laying himself a little better on top of me. I was still letting a whole lot of tension go… but… at least it's gonna go away now, and not in the least favorable way either.

He broke away a second to whisper in my ear though,

'If you'd like to, I can ride on top of you tonight?' He broke all of the tension with that single sentence,

'_Goddamnit! _Don't ask embarrassing stuff like that, just do it.' He laughed when I accidentally said that out loud, and didn't give me time to change my mind. _Dear god, this damn guy…_

* * *

_A/N  
_

_Chrollo dragging Kurapika along into his depravity in a very unusual way.  
Also fulfilling my fantasy of Kurapika being ridden instead of the other way around \o/  
_

_But yeah, no, taking advantage of Kurapika's good mood like that to drag information out of him that he shouldn't give...  
Manipulative people have way too good an eye for timing xD  
_

_I will now go out in a thunderstorm to get groceries because apparently I need food to survive. Wish me luck on not getting struck down by lightning ;_;_


	13. Tough days

Two members of my family have been acting really weird lately. It's no surprise though, with everything that's been happening this year, there's most probably a traitor somewhere, and it's making us all very cautious. Also because of that, I've been forced to take over someone else's job again, and medical training is being pushed to the back.

I'd opened the door to him crying his eyes out, begging for me to take the job. I wasn't able to understand everything he was trying to say, but I'd much rather have just stayed with him for some comfort. Call me selfish, but I don't think I can deal with another suicide…

All the pressure was getting to me too. My schedule is already pretty tightly packed, so taking on extra duties wasn't going so well. I've become more absent, I noticed, it's harder to keep my grades up, it's not even fun anymore to train in the medical profession – it's all just extra work I do that robs me of the time I need for myself, even with less hours.

Chrollo has already uttered his concerns about it, but there's little to be done about it. Considering everything, he just said he'll search around for information on possible traitors while in between jobs. You know, it's at times when he says stuff like that, that I realize what he actually does for a living, and I become uncomfortable with it. I love the human life, but he doesn't seem to have any problem taking it.

I closed my eyes again pushing all that away. He explained it to me himself; he doesn't show anything because he was taught not to, but he does feel it. He doesn't take life indiscriminately either, it's just when he's on the job. Merely hearing that, I'd call him autistic, but he's way too open and charismatic to be that way.

That charisma would lead me to believe he's sociopathic, but if he's really feeling all of it… that's just a guess, isn't it; I can do nothing to confirm if he feels something or not. Sociopaths are very good at imitating emotions and manipulation… but then why would he pretend not to be able to show anything, when he knows it would raise suspicions?

I slowly shook my head. All this stress has me doubting everything. If I can't even trust the ones I love anymore, then what kind of life do I live?

I turned the corner back to my house at three in the morning. The one I'd been stalking had been sleeping for four hours by then, so calling it a night was the best I could do. I'd placed some hard to notice surveillance to keep watch, and I'd check it again before school. Right now, my eyes were unable to stay open, and I walked around to the back door, disabling security there to be able to enter.

It was because I was already so sleepy, that I got a jump scare when Chrollo showed himself. I clutched my chest, looking up at him,

'Jesus Christ, don't do that to me!' He bowed his head in apology. 'You know that there's surveillance here, right? My family is able to see you on footage here.'

'No they won't, I've been able to temporarily reroute them, they're not seeing any of this.' _Well that's both good and bad… _'I'd like to offer you an upgrade, but that would only raise suspicions with your family.'

'Pretty much, why are you here?'

'I thought I should warn you while in the neighborhood. The one asking you to take over these duties, Ghari, has been visited by the one you're tracking. He's still alive, but it didn't look good either.' My face paled instantly when I heard those words, and all sleep disappeared from my mind; I disappeared out the gate again, with Chrollo following close behind. _You are _not _going to end your life! You are _not _going to do this to yourself or your family! _

* * *

When I finally reached the premises of his home fifteen minutes later, I didn't hesitate to climb up to his window, but stopped before knocking on it. _We all have security on the windows, how am I supposed to… _No! His life is in danger, I don't care if I'll wake everyone!

I got stopped by Chrollo before my fist connected to the window though, grabbing my wrist. After having done that, he continued on working to get the alarm disabled for this window; whispering to me that the rest of the house would still be safe. All the while he was doing this, I looked at him in admiration, but mostly in contemplation. Because if Assassins were able to breach our securities, then we were not safe by a long shot. Questions that remained were if Chrollo was merely an exceptional Assassin, and if that wasn't the case, how could I inform my family that we needed to upgrade our security?

So I whispered back with the request to teach me in surveillance, so I could pass it on.

'You don't have the time for that, do you? You're barely awake as is during the day.' Was his answer,

'If my family's not safe, I won't sleep any better if I do nothing.'

'I can understand that I can't teach anyone else, but won't they wonder where you learn all this?' Without even looking away from his work he answered all of my questions. _What kind of childhood did you have..?_ I shook my head out of that train of thought to answer,

'Not really, I self-study a lot whenever I have the time.' He smiled back at me for those words. I don't know if it was admiration or fondness, but it helped in calming me down a little.

The moment he gave me an all-clear signal, I didn't hesitate to give a short knock, and force the window open, making a small jump over his bed, and immediately locating him with my eyes already used to the dark. He sat up on the bed with his eyes wide open, and a gun pointed at my head. I raised my hands, a little confused at first, wondering if he really was suicidal,

'It's me, I'm sorry, I saw my target had visited here, but I couldn't visit before he'd quieted down. Are you alright?' The gun lowered again but didn't leave his hands, questions coming before the tears,

'How did you get inside without setting off the alarm?' _Now that he mentioned..!_

'I've been self-studying in surveillance, why did you let the target in?' It was a calculated guess, but that man wasn't someone able to pull the feats Chrollo did, so the only way for him to come in, was through that means. As soon as I saw him starting to have trouble keeping up appearances, I stepped up to him, and took the gun from his hand, laying it aside and folding my arms around him tightly. _You're only 14, you shouldn't be given these responsibilities, none of us should. _

'Should I sleep here, for a while?' _What am I thinking, I'm only verging on 17 myself, I'm going to pull extra weight concerning surveillance, I don't have any time left as is… _

'I… I'm not going to ask that of you. You're already doing so much…'

'It's a curse in this family to just do anything on our own, so please never hesitate to ask for help.' I felt some tears fall on my shirt,

'You have it easy, you have Chrollo.' _Thank you for telling everyone, mom. _

'What Chrollo is for me, is someone I can trust and be myself with, it doesn't have to be anyone outside the family, you know that. Just talk with your parents, talk with your brothers, and if it doesn't work out, I'm always available. If I'm with Chrollo, I'll just come pick you up, if I'm with my family, you can just come by, if I'm on a job or training, just follow me.' He cried out a little harder, and I muffled those screams against my shoulder. Considering his current state, it's probably not hard for that target to make his life miserable. _You're just as desperate for contact as the rest of us are, aren't you? _

The recognizability of this entire situation was burning inside of me. He's able to let it out, but I'd never been able to. What would've become of me if I hadn't? Would I have become unable to show anything just like Chrollo? I knew when to feel happy, I knew when to feel sad, but most of all it felt like it'd been behind a thick filter of doing what I was supposed to. I always loved being with Pairo, I loved learning medical skills, but I never really noticed there'd been a wall between those emotions and me. I'm feeling everything so much clearer now. I'm glad something happened in my life that made that possible.

About an hour I'd stayed with him, talked whenever he was able to, and he'd calmed down considerably. Come the morning, his life will still be the same, but he'll have someone to go to, and that seemed to mean the world to him. I'd calmed down myself as well, and it felt good that just my presence already meant so much to him.

Stepping outside again, he closed the window on his own, and Chrollo had patiently waited to activate surveillance again. When he'd done so, I grabbed his face with both hands, and almost made him loose balance when I kissed him. Giving me a questioning look, I answered,

'Don't ever think I'm not grateful for being able to trust you, and I've never loved you more than right now, you helped save the life of someone very dear to me.' I kissed him again after having given him the answer, making it last just a second longer before turning around back to my house. Chrollo turned to go his own way when needed though, and I crawled wearily back into bed on my own. I have about two hours of sleep left, but the visit just now had been the best spent hours all week. _I hope he'll make it, I hope we really did save his life tonight. _

* * *

_A/N_

_(I mayhaps be part zombie atm because of a two day con, but that doesn't stop me from writing it seems xD)  
And back to his family again. He's having a tough time, isn't he. A lot is happening in his life, not just Chrollo.  
But ohmygosh Kurapika actually showing that he doubts everything now and again and is not a complete sap.  
Although Chrollo's timing is impeccable once again to eliminate those doubts.  
Damnit.  
_


	14. Five

Ultimately, we didn't.

A week later, looking better than before, Ghari took on another target again, and he had been spotted and killed. Immediately I'd gone after that target myself and taken care of him in a way that he'd deserved, with only Chrollo able to stop me in the end. I was beyond myself with grief and I simply did not know how to handle it…

During the ceremony, mom had been latched onto my arm. I'd protested this, but in the end I'd been glad she had been; I felt like I could lose it at any time. _That's five deaths in little over half a year, how am I supposed to feel safe and secure after all this? Is all we do for protection still not enough?_

Not a single moment during the lowering, had she let go of me; others seemed more aware of how to deal with my suffering than I was… She'd laid her arm around my waist and her head against my shoulder, I really had needed to feel what I'd promised this boy just a week before.

In the days between his death and this funeral, I'd talked with my parents a lot. Having nearly dismembered someone in a fit of rage, of course they were worried about me. Somewhere I could understand why, but another part of me couldn't understand how they were still so calm with any of this. I could see their grief, but no-one was doing anything, and I couldn't wrap my head around it. Were they conducting some kind of investigation I wasn't allowed to know of? That's the only thing that makes sense, but I'm not appreciating the secrecy. They can trust me, they should know.

Either way, I wasn't allowed to track anyone anymore for at least a month. I could understand that, and made peace with it by devoting this extra time to upgrading my skills on surveillance with Chrollo – but it still made me uneasy. So I spent a couple of days at Chrollo's to cool down – to try and make sense of everything.

I looked down at my ringing phone for a second when I saw it was mom calling again after two days of silence, and took a small breath of courage before answering it,

'Hey,' I leaned my elbows on the table and rubbed my eyes – no matter where, I was not sleeping well. Because no matter where, everything had still happened…

_'Kura, how's it going?' _

'You mean, will I be coming home tonight?' I heard Chrollo standing up, starting to clear the table of surveillance schematics. He really is a good teacher, and it's been a good distraction 'till now…

_'No matter if there's one person behind this or not, I feel insecure with you not by our side. I rather have you close.' I rather be there with you as well, but you're not telling me something, and it's making the restlessness unbearable… _

'Then please take my concerns seriously. I'm scared about everything right now, and you all sound like I'm the only one who-'

_'We _are _doing something about it, Kura.' _I opened my eyes again and lay my hand back on the table.

'Why didn't you tell me before? I've been worried sick about all of us…' My voice started shaking a little, but I didn't raise it,

_'Kura, for a second please look at what you've done. You mutilated someone after surrender, you're not like that, and of anyone I hadn't expected that to happen with you. That scared me so much, you have to understand. I don't want to involve you in something like this, where I might put you in a similar situation.' _

'You're afraid it might turn violent?' I asked calmly, but the shaking had merely relocated to inside. _Thank god you're not ignoring the possibility…_

_'I'm afraid we're putting too much pressure on you. So I just want to ask you to have faith in us, that we'll take care of it. We're all in this together, we're aware of it.' _With their superior years of experience, they should be able, but since knowing the world of an Assassin personally, I'm not sure about anything anymore. I don't want to put you in the kinds of dangers Chrollo tells me about either. _'Please come home tonight, we really miss you, even though Lianna's in denial about it.' _I snorted when I heard the unsubtle protest in the background. _'Even with all we're doing, we still have the time for you, we'll just go out to the movies or dinner, or something else you'd like to do. Come on, don't make me beg for my own son to come home, you know I have the best of interest always in mind for you.' _I got quiet for a couple of seconds when I heard that, and I willed back some tears pricking behind my eyes. I'm an idiot, aren't I. I shouldn't be solving my problems here…

'I'm sorry, I just don't understand anything anymore.' _And that's a very scary thing for me. _When I raked a hand through my hair, I noticed Chrollo approaching again, and lay his arms around my shoulders. 'I don't know where all that violence came from, and I don't want to become like that.' This was the first open hearted conversation we'd had since the funeral, and it was starting to feel a little emotional.

_'I don't know if you noticed, but you're _incredibly _kindhearted, Kura,' _

'I somewhat noticed…' I huffed,

_'…that also means that stuff like this hits twice as hard. Believe me, I know. Let's just make the most of it with the four of us for now. Because if you're hurting so much that you maimed someone, all I want to do is hold you.' _Some tears did prick through in the end, and I blinked a couple of times before being able to answer, Chrollo leaning his head down on the top of mine. I finally took the decision,

'Don't worry, I'll be back to pester Lianna again tomorrow.' I've changed these last couple of months, I never would've walked away from it, would I. Nor would I have gone so far with violence… 'I just want all of these deaths to stop, mom. I don't think I can take another funeral.' I brought out in a softer voice, closing my eyes,

_'Let's work on that together, and not separately.' _

'Thank you.' I swallowed back the lump in my throat. _I really wish this wasn't a phone call. _'I'll come back tomorrow after classes.'

_'I'll keep my end of the promise, just tell me what you'd like to do, alright? Meanwhile, you're still not getting anywhere near a track, just so you know.' _I laughed a little when her tone lightened up a bit. _'If we want someone mauled, we'll send dogs after them.' _

'Gee, thanks for thinking so highly of me.'

_'Always a pleasure. But I'll see you tomorrow then.' _

'See you tomorrow, tell Lianna not to worry, that her favorite brother will be coming back soon.'

_'Hahaha, don't worry I will. Love you.' _

'Love you.' When she hung up afterwards, Chrollo's arms slid away from me when I let myself fall to the table.

'Shouldn't you go back tonight already? I can still drive you.' I can't, not yet. Even though they're admitting they're doing something about it, going back means stepping back into the place that hurts the most right now, and I need time to emotionally prepare for that. I can't suddenly survive that scary feeling on top of the guilt of not having been able to show Ghari the world I'd promised. _He was only 14… Why the young ones? Are we just easier to manipulate? Are the weak ones picked off first? I want the ones responsible to know the suffering they're putting us through…_

'I just need to prepare myself a little, I'll return to them tomorrow.' I turned my head to the side when he walked away again, putting the schematics in a secure location. He's building up my knowledge in a very orderly fashion, and this is even an on the spot lesson plan he's made up. It really is a shame he grew up to be an Assassin; he'd have had a good future ahead of him in either psychology or teaching.

'I don't object to having you here in the slightest, but…'

'Yeah I know.' I stood up from the table when he was done cleaning everything up, and stretched a second,

'It's not that I don't appreciate falling asleep and waking up with you every day, but this is really not where you want to be.' _Yet. _I felt like he wanted to say that, but he didn't. From behind, he lay a hand against my head, and kissed me on the other side. I felt a little sadness and anger rising when this whole situation flooded back into me now that the call was over…

'Five…'

'Hm?' I turned my gaze up into nothingness,

'It's now reached the number where their names aren't even mentioned anymore, they've just become that number, I heard that number all through the week and the funeral.' He let his hand slide down to my shoulder. 'I just want them to tell me they've got everything under control, because even one is too much.'

'You really believe there's something connecting these deaths, don't you.'

'It's too much!' I turned around to him, Chrollo taking a little distance, and I raised my hand to list off everyone, 'Death by patient, murders, suicide, and now murder while tracking, it's all different, but it could be connected, couldn't it?' I raised my voice some more, Chrollo letting it wash over him as I went. _There's too much stress, and too few people actually listening to my words. Please, _'Each and every one of them could be through some kind of manipulation. What if that patient and those two tracking targets had been manipulated or forced into doing these things, and Pairo's sister had been driven to suicide?! I mean, Ghari had been close to suicide, but then he doesn't show signs anymore, and suddenly he's killed? It could be coincidence, but it sounds more like someone noticed he wasn't going to kill himself anymore, and took matters into his own hands… …Well? What does your expert experience say about this?!' In the end I snapped at him, and saw his mood darken a little. I immediately regretted blaming him for something other people in the same profession did, and wanted to apologize, but he raised his hand and stopped me, I let out a small breath,

'I know you're under a lot of stress and pain, but I don't appreciate remarks like that - even if it's spurs of the moment. Sometimes I need you to realize that even though I don't show it, I still feel. And seeing you like this hurts me too.' I looked away slightly. I'd understood why I'd said all of that, but it had still been rude to someone who's been supporting unconditionally. 'Concerning your theory, I think what you're describing could be true, and it would mean that you're dealing with either a Death's Deliverer or an Assassin hired by one. Considering your family, I'd say you'd be a target if one should know about your secret. Especially for Mental Breakers with an extra interest in the mind and anatomy of people. But I find it hard to believe one would know, considering the measures you take to keep the secret.' First, the only thing that went through me, was a jolt of shock when he confirmed that I could be right, and someone was manipulating all of this from the shadows. If that really is the case, then we need to eliminate all the threats, don't we? That's too much work… That's too high a level of enemy…

My hope dropped a little,

Second, I asked the question,

'What are Death's Deliverers and Mental Breakers?' He pocketed his hands when starting the explanation,

'Mental Breakers are a small group of people that hire Assassins such as me to deliver live victims to them, after which they experiment on them to find out the weaknesses of the human body – through torture, cutting them open, and some like to pick around in the brain.' I started to feel sick as I heard him explaining; _these inhuman people actually exist? _'Gathering results, they look for potential buyers of this information, so they can be more effective in their jobs.' _Of course people like that would be interested in the eyes of my family, understanding those, would give them a gigantic advantage on others… _

'We _are _being hunted for our eyes, aren't we…' I whispered, trying not to protrude my skin with my nails pressing against the flesh in my balled up fists. I started to shake a little in disbelief,

'Considering the timespan, it wouldn't be unlikely. I'm sorry to say that there's the chance not everyone's in their grave anymore, or cremated ones had their eyes removed before burning. Because they were dead before delivered to them, means the current experiment is on the effects of emotion on your eyes. However, they probably won't be able to restrain themselves in taking the eyes in the end after all. I'm sorry that I haven't been able to detect this kind of activity if it's indeed happening, but I will look for information more actively.'

'Thank you.' I uttered softly, letting Chrollo lay his hand back on my shoulder, kissing me on the forehead to stop the shaking before rage would take over again. With a bit of trouble I was able to unclench my fists, and let my hands find their way to his waist. I took a couple of deep breaths, closing my eyes, before I'd run out and do something stupid... again. I am _not _becoming that monster again. _But why does this happen? Why are we being used in something like this? We only want to help people that can't pay their insane medical bills… we don't deserve this…_

* * *

_A/N_

_*wraps herself around her precious Kurapika*_

_Today's been a dead day for me, and if my friend hadn't dragged me outside for something nonsensical, I probably would've been watching yugioh all day *shudders* (don't get me wrong, I like yugioh but... *shudders again*)_

_I HAVE OTHER UPDATES TO DO DEMMIT  
Not working 24/7 on cosplay is confusing my day to day patterns xD  
_


	15. Sleepless

'Wake up…' Finally in a reversed situation, I nudged Chrollo awake. He'd fallen asleep on top of the schematics on the kitchen table. He didn't immediately shoot up, he started grunting rather displeased, and I couldn't hold back a small laugh when he did. 'It's not often that you can come over here, don't waste the precious time.' By now, I was allowed to take on a tracking target again, but in the time between now and then, Chrollo hadn't been able to locate the possible Mental Breaker. Apparently it's one of the most elusive groups of people that exist, barely even aware of each other's existence.

I have a lot of concerns at the moment, but that little fact concerns me the most – that when they don't want to be found, not even Chrollo can find them. The stress got to me enough that I started doubting if he was even searching, and I'd given myself a hard time over it. The situation's not going to get better if I add even more doubts to the equation.

It's dragging on too long though… I can feel it getting to me. Even though tonight it'd been Chrollo to fall asleep while working, I was at a point where I barely even slept anymore.

If just for my own sanity, the puppeteer needs to found fast. I want to help more than just upgrade security…

My parents are out working for that right now though, and Lianna was staying over at someone else's place - which I sincerely wish she wouldn't for security reasons - so for a change I'd invited Chrollo to study here. It's not that he hasn't been allowed to stay the night here in the meantime, but we do miss a level of openness when everyone's home.

'I didn't know Chrollo Lucilfer, world class assassin, could get so tired.' I reacted amused when he lifted his head again, plucking a piece of paper from his face that had stuck to it, giving me a tired smile. 'Don't force yourself to smile just for me.' I stroke my fingers lightly across his cheek, Chrollo leaning into it a bit. Taking on these security lessons is hard, but doing it with the support of this man makes it a little easier.

'Yes, I am still a human being. I haven't slept in three, maybe four days, I think I may have hit my limit.' My expression changed from loving to one of concern, even though I was in a worse state than he was,

'We could have just pushed studying back a day if you needed the rest so much.' I retreated my hand when I noticed it was still lingering. I feel like a hypocrite, forcing someone else to sleep. But I think I've given up on getting there myself. _How much do you even notice of this with me?_

'My limit differs greatly under the circumstances, I've miscalculated my level of fatigue.' He stretched his arms out above his head, and leaned back over the chair. I sighed deeply, and started folding up the schematics in front of him when he did – no use in continuing with both of us in this state. Because of his lessons though, I've been able to upgrade the security on all our houses greatly. I'll make sure this elusive enemy won't get in that easily anymore. When it's a manipulator though, they might as well talk themselves in, and I hope that won't happen… again. _Please just let me help you catch him. _

'Why're you cleaning up already, we just started.' He watched me taking care of the papers, his eyelids still sagging,

'Take a look at yourself, you're in no state to teach me anything anymore.' I half laughed looking at that tired face smiling up at me.

'You're putting me to bed then?'

'Not in the way you're currently thinking about.'

'That's too bad.' He pulled me close by my hips and lay his head against my stomach, not letting me go anytime soon. He was comfortably warm though, so for a moment I allowed this, laying my hand on top of his head and gliding my fingers through his hair. Unfortunately, not even this warmth gave me the rest I needed anymore at this point…

And before he'd fall asleep, he really needed to be moved.

'No Chrollo, I am not pregnant, and I don't feel like carrying you upstairs, so you're standing up now.'

'Well, we can just try again if you're still not pregnant.' I laughed at the muffled reply. _You're even more ridiculous when you're sleepy. _

'You barely have the strength to stand up, let alone to keep it up.'

'Is that a challenge?' He softly kissed my stomach,

'That's not a challenge you idiot, get some goddamn rest, and we'll leave the trying to get pregnant for another time.'

'No we're not.' I took a step back when he inclined to stand back up. His eyes opened a little more when he stretched again.

'Don't be ridiculous, I choose quality over quantity.' I turned back around, but Chrollo was not letting this go.

Quite literally and annoyingly so.

I protested all the way up the stairs,

'You goddamn let me down right now! I'm not a goddamn maiden!' He'd scooped me up and thrown me over his shoulder, and my pride as a man was not having any of this. 'I swear to god I'm going to end you!'

'Will you accept me giving away control as an apology?' He lay me down on the bed once we'd reached my room and wanted to crawl over me, but I pushed him back by the chest, sitting up on the edge, There were a few short seconds of silence in which I looked at him intently, making sure the message would come across. My sleepless mind could not take anything unexpected or out of the ordinary right now,

'You are never carrying me like that again unless my legs are missing.' His lips upturned,

'You used to have less trouble with this, but alright, I'll refrain from doing so in the future.' _You better. _'Do you really want to kill me right now though, because your words are saying so, but your eyes are not.'

'Of course I don't want to kill you, you idiot.' I reacted insulted,

'Well, then allow me to draw you further into my world.' I closed my eyes and took a deep breath when he leaned in and brushed his lips against mine. 'Thank you for giving me so much of yourself.' He whispered close to me.

'Please just stop talking before I change my mind.'

'Understood.' I felt his smile against my lips again a second later, and let myself be laid down on the bed. _Fine, some relaxation can't hurt. _Maybe this time it'll actually help…

* * *

'You haven't slept all night, have you?' He woke up on the bed on his own, and stretched out some more. In the end not even those activities had been able to calm me down enough to get a restful sleep… I turned around on my desk chair, leaning my arms on the back, and rolling a little closer to the bed.

'You slept like a baby though.' He sat up to give a good morning's kiss.

'Little else left to do after you rode me so hard, right?' I blushed thinking back on it. After all my protests, I may had gone a little overboard. I blame the lack of boundaries that happens when you're sleep deprived.

'I'm sorry, but I really couldn't sleep.' My mood dropped completely. All night I'd just wanted to curl up in his arms, but I didn't want to disturb his well-earned sleep. 'So I just decided to pick up where we left off last night.' I nudged back at my desk where schematics lay sprawled out. In the middle of the night, at around two in the morning, my parents had gotten home, and seen the situation. They were even more worried about this sleep deprivation than I was. Last time I had this, I fell asleep in class because I forced myself to stay awake. Now I was just unable to sleep most of the time. Things are not going well,

They'd deliberated something at that point, but hadn't given me any conclusions… of course that hadn't exactly helped my sleeplessness. _If even Chrollo is unable to find someone, then you're not having any luck either. _It's unsettling.

'You look even more exhausted than I was last night.' He let his feet find their way to the ground, and turned me around in the chair, pulling me off it, back on his lap.

'I beg to differ, your eyes barely stayed open long enough to finish.' He held his arms around me tightly, and kissed my back.

'You know what I mean. If you're at the point where you're so tired you can't sleep anymore, you're more exhausted than I was last night. I'm cancelling the surveillance lessons. It's been irresponsible of me to continue for so long either way.' I jolted a little when he said that.

'After all the progress I've already made, you're stopping it now?'

'I am. I rather have you in a state where I still recognize you. You'll thank me for this.'

'Not goddamn likely! I'm still so-'

'You're far enough, believe me. Regular assassins won't be able to get past what you now know so easily.'

'Doesn't matter that you say that, I will not be satisfied until we're completely safe.' I really wanted to continue these lessons…

'That is an impossible feat, even for me. Of course you're scared if you don't know what you're up against, even more so when you know what he's probably capable of.' _Not helping, _'What you need to remember and get through to yourself, is that your family's survived up until now. You're not the only one protecting it.' He let out a deep breath, 'Although impressive, I'd rather not see the brutal side of you again; it's been eating you up inside, what you did, hasn't it?' I sighed deeply and wanted to stand up and walk away from the conversation before it would become a weight I wouldn't be able to lift. But when I wanted to, he pulled me back. _I really don't want to hear any of this, please let me go… _'You're on the verge of destroying yourself by taking on everything yourself, you need to see that.'

'What else could any of this do _but _eat me up? Unfortunately, it is what it is, even though I didn't sign up for any of this. We're peaceful, pacifistic, I hate violence with a passion, but still I'm forced into it because there's people out there that want to harm us, because they want these superior eyes that I didn't ask for either.' I let my hands glide over the ones wrapped around me, when these words started to surface, I felt some emotion behind it that I quickly needed to repress. _I really, really need to step away. I know he'll come up with points that make sense, and it will bring all the pressure to the surface… _Even though in the long run it's the better way, right now I need to focus on finding the perpetrator. _Please, not right now, let's do this once it's all over… _

'You're a very sensitive person, and I'd rather have spared you a life like this. But in the first place, be glad that because of all this, that as a family you're incredibly close.' _That doesn't make the past half year hurt any less. _'The frustration doesn't lie with your heritage. It's just because all the stress that's been building up these last couple of weeks, months, has surfaced even your deepest discontentment. You're angry at your own powerlessness over it, aren't you.' I started to hang my head and closed my eyes the longer he went on. _Keep it in… _'…Which hit even harder after losing Ghari, when you'd just given him reason to live again. Powerlessness is an emotional trap. If you don't accept what you can and cannot do, then you're just going to keep spiraling down.' _I know all of this, I don't need it repeated out loud… I don't want to acknowledge any of this right now…_ I felt my hands slowly starting to grip tighter around his, as I didn't stop him, and still tried to push it away, 'If you can't accept that you can't do everything on your own, you start to lose trust in the abilities and support of your family. Don't do that to yourself.' He kissed my back again.

'Easier said than done.' I brought out with a smaller voice than expected, opening my eyes to the floor, my thoughts far, far away from this room. The stir inside of me that he was awakening wasn't stopping…

'It always is. Frustratingly enough, all I can do, is say to you that no matter how small the problem is, please speak up about it. Either to your parents or to me. All of us will always be willing to listen. Fatigue like last night is not uncommon in my profession, I'm used to it. It just means that I just made a lot of money.' That still doesn't sit well with me, no matter how many times the subject surfaces… 'It's alright to feel all of this. It's alright that it actually felt good maiming the one who killed Ghari, it's alright to feel resentment towards your parents for excluding you, feeling frustration that you feel farther away from everyone… anything. Just don't let it eat you up inside.' _How does that even go with you? Is something eating _you _up inside? What kind of turmoils do you even get?_

Those thoughts came and went, when I answered.

'I think I already am, thanks to you.' As soon as I spoke up, I started trembling a little. Chrollo squeezed a bit tighter around me. 'You're actually right. It'd felt so good to maim that guy, I feel like a horrible human being. What I became then… I didn't even recognize myself.' I managed to squeeze that out in an even voice, I don't know how. 'And I'm mad at Lianna that she's not taking all this extra security seriously and that she's running around without second thought of what it would do to either of us if she got herself killed like that. I'm mad at not being able to just do all of this. I'm frustrated that even the things I liked to do, I don't even enjoy anymore… But saying any of that out loud is not going to help me, it only makes it goddamn harder to deal with it.' There's a reason I kept quiet about it. 'And I'm goddamn pissed that I can't even say any of this without shaking like the weak, "sensitive" person I am!' I restrained myself for another second, 'None of this is goddamn fair, and I can't do anything about it!'

'No, it's not fair.' The calmness in his voice irritated me as well when I tried to regain some composure, but I swallowed every sentence that I wanted to say, because it was anger aimed at myself, he didn't deserve that….

In the height of all this frustration, I felt my nails pierce Chrollo's skin, and I retreated them immediately. He grabbed hold of my hands right after though, and pulled us up on the bed some more, setting his legs next to mine. _The trembling isn't stopping, I need it to stop so I can continue doing what I have to do. _

'Why are we being hunted, why can't they just leave us be…' I could not believe those words exited my lips. _I didn't ask for this conversation, I just wanted to learn more about those schematics, I wanted to spend some time in bed with Chrollo, I wanted to upgrade the security systems… but I didn't want any of this. I need to keep going, I have to. _I shook my head when the thought weighed too heavy in that moment,

'Perhaps facing reality doesn't change the situation, but accepting it does. Unfortunately, you're different, and simply sharing your secret will only ignite an ugly hunt for your lives. So you choose to keep it a secret in order to live. You choose to live, so you choose to fight. There's nothing wrong with that, is there?' _Then why does it feel like it is?_ 'That your body made you enjoy the experience of killing someone, is just one more way for your mind to survive. Don't feel bad about it, be happy that you want to live.' _None of that will make me forget what I did that night…_ '…Even if that weren't the reason, both me and your family will still accept you. You'll always have someone to fall back on. And these someones want you to live too.'

'… …'

'I'm sorry if it all sounds a little impersonal. I've seen it with others a lot.'

'… …no, it's alright.'

'Then tell me if there's something I can do.' He lay his head next to mine and kissed my neck, but I felt a little petrified of hearing all of these realizations out loud. So all I could do was deny my feelings,

'…I'm sorry I'm laying all of this on you.' He pulled away from his position and sat over my legs in front of me when he noticed what I was doing. He grabbed my face with both hands, forcing me to look back at him. With his thumb, he caressed my cheeks. I hadn't started crying, but that was only because I was still willing it back.

'We should've stopped sooner. But don't ever think that you're a burden on me.'

'All I've done is lay extra work on you, you're not getting anything out of this.'

'I don't see it as work, what makes you think that? You need it, I can take it, so I just do it. Because I love you.' He closed in some more and kissed me on the lid, lingering there, 'I'm more ashamed that I haven't been able to catch whoever's doing this to you and your family. I should be a top class Assassin.' He kissed me again before looking me back in the eyes. 'I can't even fathom how much this must hurt for you. But even though bad things are happening now, we create the circumstances for our own happenings, and that means we create the circumstances for good things to happen as well. This relationship, we both made it happen. And because of that I can be here to catch you right now. Good things happen in your life, Kurapika, they really do.' I laughed a little when I heard him say all of that.

'You're calling yourself the greatest thing that ever happened to me, are you?'

'Well, you are to me.' The sound of those words hit me full force. _And you actually mean that, don't you..? _When I hung my head this time, Chrollo let me. He shuffled a little closer, and lay his arms around me. My hands lay fisted on his legs as he convinced me that it was alright to let it all out at this point.

* * *

_A/N_

_Do I still need to tell you that _I'm _the one that's depraved? I think that's clear by now, isn't it xD_

_Chrollo Lucilfer and psychology 101 on how to ensnare the vulnerable. That's what I'm calling this chapter.  
Kurapika completely distressed, unable to share this stress with his parents for a change, and he says the right words to let Kurapika fall deeper into his arms. _

_I AM NOW OFF TO THE NEXT EPISODE!  
(Saying that has never ended well for me, why am I saying this)_


End file.
